Grief

I have been walking around like a zombie.  I have been wondering how it is possible to feel so much sadness and loss for a child that was never mine.  I have been thinking that I am overreacting.  Why do I need to miss work?  Why do I need to hide?  Will people think I am being ridiculous?  Dramatic? After all, I said I wasn't going to get excited.  I said I wasn't going to get attached.  I tried.  I prepared for this situation, even though it would never happen. It didn't matter.

Naturally, I am a happy extrovert.  I like to share news (good and bad) about myself with the people who care about me.  I am the first one to overshare and I am so open with my life.   I like to see people happy and excited.  I loved that my daughter was so ready for a little sister.  I loved that we were planning baby's first trip to Disney.

Do I regret any of that now?  A little.  Mostly, I wish I would have let myself feel the joy for a few weeks instead of so much worry.  I tried to guard myself by not feeling the excitement, but it didn't work anyway.  Now I feel so much pain.

What I keep reading is that this is like any grieving process - but not.  This is the grief of losing someone that still exists in the world. 

I keep thinking of what I SHOULD be doing right now.  I should be exhausted from being up all night with a newborn.  There should be piles of laundry and tons of dirty diapers.  Alice should be learning how to be a big sister.  Those things are happening - just not here.  With someone else.  I wonder what her name is.  I wonder what she will grow up to be like.  I will always wonder these things, and a part of me will always mourn this loss.


I have spent the few days reaching out to an adoption support group, to our local social worker, and to the internet.  I have googled the phrase "failed adoption" more times than I can count.
I have heard story after story from fellow adoptive moms that are just as heartbreaking and more heartbreaking than my own.  They have brought me some comfort.  That is why I am writing everything in this blog.  I am hoping that someday, maybe my words can bring a grieving adoptive mother or father a little comfort.  Maybe she will realize that she is not alone and that her feelings are VALID.


What I am trying to make myself believe now is this:  it's okay to feel the way I feel.  It IS the loss of a child.  It IS the loss of an idea of what our family was going to be.  I am NOT being dramatic.  I can feel and act however I want.  It IS okay for me to hide.  I hide behind words: text messages, facebook messages, e-mail.  That's how I am coping.  And I appreciate all the texts and messages that I have gotten - I truly do.  Don't stop.  Mike and I have an amazing support system. 

As I said, "everything happens for a reason", and maybe this reason is so someone else will read this one day and feel an ounce of comfort during this horrific time.

Heartbroken

I was gearing up to write a post about how nervous and excited and happy and scared I was.  Instead, I get to write this:

I see people post about failed adoptions all the time.  My heart has broken for those families over and over.  But now we are that family.  Failed. Adoption.  My heart is broken now, but for us.

Things had been going great over the past few weeks.  We had a few lunches and doctor appointments with the birthmom.  We joked around all the time.  She liked us.  We had a plan.  She wanted us in the delivery room.  I bought all the things to make her hospital stay more comfortable.  I loaded my ipad with her favorite shows.  The baby's room was ready.  We had new clothes, bottles, blankets.  We were ready.  Alice was SO excited to meet "her baby". 

But today, we got the call we never wanted.  Birthmom had changed her mind. Without going into specifics, there was only a TINY chance that she would change her mind.  But she did.  She had the baby a few days ago.  The baby is with a foster family right now (with her biological half-sister).  Birthmom is hoping she will be able to parent both children eventually.  Is there a chance things can change still?  Maybe.  That might be the hardest part.  I can't let go yet.

This is why I tried to stay neutral and tried to not get excited.  I tried not to attach myself to this baby.  Turns out, I was more attached than I thought.

I have cried.  I have stared into a room that should have a baby in it.  I've bagged up everything to return to stores tomorrow.  I've stopped planning for maternity leave.

I have all this sadness and all this anger.  But I have no one to blame it on.  I can't fault the mother for wanting to try to parent her child, even if I don't think it's the best choice. 

So for now, I let myself be sad.  I let myself be angry.  I let myself feel.

I have always said that everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that, even now.  I just want to know the reason.

Different

This week has been CRAZY!  On Tuesday, Alyce messaged to ask if we had a gender preference to which I said no.  And then she quickly said she had a situation that might be good for us.  I didn't get too excited and figured we would hear in a few days.  Well, on Wednesday, she told us it was between us and another family and she would know by the end of the day.  Again, I didn't get too excited.  After our faculty meeting, I went back in my classroom and looked at my phone and there it was. "YAY! SHE PICKED YOU!".  I couldn't believe it.  She. Picked. Us.  I was over the moon.

Then more information kept coming.  We were going to meet with the birthmom and attend her doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  We need to send in paperwork and a check.  We should get the birthmom a gift.  ALL OF THE THINGS!  It was all exciting and all things we were more than happy to do or plan to do.

But through all of this, I can't get over how different this is from Alice's situation.  Alice was so quick that there was never a thought of "will she change her mind?"  Are we going to get attached to the idea of a new baby and it get taken away from us?  Could I be mad if she changed her mind? Of course not.  How do you fault a mother for wanting to keep her child.  On top of the emotional worry, there is the practical worry.  Are we going to lose a ton of money?  If we do, would we even be able to afford to try again?  It is a lot of risk this time.

So what do I do?  I worry.  I talk to my friends until they are tired of hearing me, probably.  I keep myself busy.  I throw myself into decorating Alice's new room.

Don't get me wrong.  I am thrilled.  I can't wait.  I am SO HAPPY.  But, at this point, I have to guard my heart.

If all goes well, we will have a beautiful baby girl around March 4.

I truly hope so.

Second time around

Here we go again!

Though we announced this earlier in the year, we are on the list to adopt again!  YAY!

Lots of people have asked if it's much different this time.  The answer: YES!

To start with, we knew how the process worked and we knew who we were going to contact for our second adoption.  

So, we called Gerarlyn (our contact at Catholic Charities).  Since she already had all our information on file, the paperwork was minimal in comparison to last time.  So instead of four mountains of paperwork, we only had two. 😂  We finished the paperwork quickly and Geralyn was out to do our home study.  This was also a lot easier.  We have known Geralyn for four years and she just had to update our information.  There were no nerves on our part this time because we knew what was going on.  A few days later, we got word that our home study was approved.  Then, we started the most daunting part: our profile book.

How do you make a book marketing yourself and your family?  Not easily.  You want to make everything look perfect, but not fake.  Happy, but, again, not fake.  You want someone to look at your book and think "that's the family I want my baby to grow up in".  So, after several weeks of work, the book was finished and copies were ordered.

We sent copies to Geralyn and Alyce (who we got Alice from).  And now we wait.

If anyone reading this knew me before we adopted Alice, you know that the waiting part was nearly impossible for me.  I was an emotional wreck for a long time before we got Alice.

It is SO different this time.  I am NOT anxious.  I am NOT a nervous wreck.  I do NOT cry every night because I want a baby.  What I am is excited.  I KNOW it will happen.  And I know we will get the baby that is meant to be in our family.  

Thanks for reading, and thanks for caring. 💗

- Katie

"DNA doesn't make a family, love does." - The Fosters

Word of the year: Love.

I have been meaning to write a new post for some time now.  Being a mom has sure kept me busy!!! And I wouldn't have it any other way!  I can't believe we are getting ready to celebrate New Year's Eve with our sweet baby girl.  Just three months ago, I never thought this would happen.

Since this blog was primarily meant for adoption journey, I thought about ending it.  But, the adoption journey doesn't end when you get a baby.  So I thought I'd keep it up!  I'm sure I will always find things to write about.

How has life been since October 23?  Well, I'll tell you.

First of all, Mike, Alice, and I have been completely blown away by all the love and support we've had.  I will never forget walking into school on the morning of Friday, October 23.  It was like a celebration!  My Meadowbrook family was so happy for us.  There was happiness, tears, presents, cards, and so much love.  SO. MUCH. LOVE.




Mike and I traveled to Tampa to get our baby girl, and when we got home, Alice got to meet so many of our good friends!  Our house was like a revolving door that weekend!  There was so much love that weekend!

My parents got to meet Alice that weekend also.  And let's just say there were so many tears of joy!  Alice sure does love her Nana and Grandpa!

When they left, I was 100% ready to be a stay at home mom.  A few short days later, after lots of crying, I begged my mom to come back for a week.  She helped me immensely and got me more settled in a routine.

Alice got to meet Uncle Mike and Aunt Mary a few weeks later.  She enjoyed watching football with them!

That brings us to our baby shower.  There are no words to describe how loved and special we felt.  Even though it's a silly thing to worry about, one thing I was sad about after finding out I'd never get pregnant was that I wouldn't get to have a baby shower.  I know! it's so stupid! But, my amazing friends made sure that didn't happen.  My wonderful friends, Leigh and Melissa, planned a beautiful Alice in Wonderland themed shower.  It was more perfect then I ever could have imagined.  And the best part was that Alice got to be a part of it!  There were beautiful cupcakes that Amanda made, a fun headband making station that Carissa planned, and all kinds of other wonderful things.  Mostly, there was a ton of love! =)

          We got to travel to Georgia for Thanksgiving and Alice got to meet Aunt Sarah, Uncle John, Gracie, Andre, Penelope, Aunt Lisa, Grandmanana and Grandpa!  Her favorite thing was sleeping and cuddling with her cousin, Gracie.  And then we went to the Cecil house where she got to meet Aunt Di, Jaime, Aunt Jan, Arthur, and Denise.  What a fun time that was!  She even got to go to her first Georgia Tech Tailgate that week.



We came back to Gainesville and Alice watched her first Star Wars movie with Aunt Monica.  She also went to her first Christmas party with a bunch of her other aunts! Our handbell choir threw us a surprise baby shower a few weeks later. (We thought it was a Christmas party and had forgotten to bring a gift!)  So. Much. Love.

A few weeks later, we went back for Christmas and my best friend, Brishelle's baby shower where Alice got to meet Brishelle, Uncle Pat, and Aunt Joan.  She loved meeting everyone and can't wait to meet baby Jacob in a few months!  She also got to meet my oldest friend, Beckie!

And now, we are here.  New Year's Eve.  These last few months have felt like a dream.  In a few days, we go back to real life...with a baby!  I go back to work on Monday and Alice gets to go spend her days with Amanda, Lorelai, and Owen.  While I am one hundred percent comfortable with where she will be and who she will be with, leaving her will be hard.  Thankfully, I have wonderful friends at school who will be there for me =)

As I said, the word of this year has DEFINITELY been love.  As I sit here writing this, Mike, Alice, and Phoebe are all sleeping so soundly.  My heart is so full.  I can't wait for more love in 2016.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Until next time,

Alice's mommy

Alice Jane Malo

There are NO WORDS to describe the way I am feeling now.  Happy. Excited. Terrified. All of the feelings!!!!  There are little tiny onesies, socks, and blankets in my washing machine right now.  There are clean baby bottles in my kitchen.  There is a packed baby bag on my counter.  This is happening!!!!!!

Here is how it all went down:
We got a phone call from Brandon Family Law Center Thursday evening asking if our book could be shown to a woman who gave birth on Monday.  We, of course, said yes.  The adoption coordinator, Alyce, met with the woman yesterday at 4:00.  We got THIS PICTURE texted to us at 5:39 saying it was the first picture of our daughter!  We talked to Alyce, got some details, and then preceded lose our minds!  That was followed by a run to Melissa's to get all the things and a Target run to buy out the store =)

EVERYTHING that EVERYONE said was right.  THIS is meant to be.  The failed matches failed for a reason.  This is our perfect, beautiful, baby girl.  She is OURS.  We are parents.  I am a mom.  My life is changed completely.

We were BLOWN AWAY by all of the texts, phone calls, facebook posts, and everything else last night.  We have the best friends.  We have the best family.  I can't wait for you all to meet our girl.  I can't wait for US to meet our girl!!!!!

Until Next Time,
Katie (Mommy)

Everything Happens For a Reason....Right?

I just keep saying this over and over today.

Today marks the second situation we were considered for but were not chosen.

The first situation I spoke about in my last blog post.  We were told that we were a "really close second" choice for that birth mom.

This second situation, I was so sure about.  I had a feeling.  We received the e-mail for it on our anniversary.  It was a girl.  There were all these signs, I thought.  It was us and one other couple.  I knew we would be chosen.  I started making plans in my head.  I was ready for my life to change.

And then it didn't.

This was going to be a hard situation (the mother is addicted to drugs).  It was going to be weeks in the NICU, and other potential problems.  But we were ready.  We were ready.

And then, we got the e-mail..."Unfortunately, you were not chosen for this situation..."

I felt blindsided.  I feel so sad.

However; I KNOW our baby is out there.  And we definitely learned from this situation.  We learned that we are a little more open to non-perfect babies then we thought we were.

In the words of Walt Disney, we must "keep moving forward".

Thank goodness for the support network we have.

I am sad today.  I am allowed to be sad today.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I will be okay.  I know we will be amazing parents.  We will love this baby so much.  I even think we love our future baby a little more every time we are not chosen.

Until then, I will keep busy.  I will spend time with my friends.  I will lose myself in books and television shows.  I will enjoy my 800 children that I teach.  I will go to Disney.

I will keep moving forward...

Until next time,
Katie

"DNA doesn't make a family, love does." - The Fosters