Heartbroken

I was gearing up to write a post about how nervous and excited and happy and scared I was.  Instead, I get to write this:

I see people post about failed adoptions all the time.  My heart has broken for those families over and over.  But now we are that family.  Failed. Adoption.  My heart is broken now, but for us.

Things had been going great over the past few weeks.  We had a few lunches and doctor appointments with the birthmom.  We joked around all the time.  She liked us.  We had a plan.  She wanted us in the delivery room.  I bought all the things to make her hospital stay more comfortable.  I loaded my ipad with her favorite shows.  The baby's room was ready.  We had new clothes, bottles, blankets.  We were ready.  Alice was SO excited to meet "her baby". 

But today, we got the call we never wanted.  Birthmom had changed her mind. Without going into specifics, there was only a TINY chance that she would change her mind.  But she did.  She had the baby a few days ago.  The baby is with a foster family right now (with her biological half-sister).  Birthmom is hoping she will be able to parent both children eventually.  Is there a chance things can change still?  Maybe.  That might be the hardest part.  I can't let go yet.

This is why I tried to stay neutral and tried to not get excited.  I tried not to attach myself to this baby.  Turns out, I was more attached than I thought.

I have cried.  I have stared into a room that should have a baby in it.  I've bagged up everything to return to stores tomorrow.  I've stopped planning for maternity leave.

I have all this sadness and all this anger.  But I have no one to blame it on.  I can't fault the mother for wanting to try to parent her child, even if I don't think it's the best choice. 

So for now, I let myself be sad.  I let myself be angry.  I let myself feel.

I have always said that everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that, even now.  I just want to know the reason.