Crazy.

I've been holding off publishing anything on here lately because all it would have been is a "poor me" entry.  I hate feeling sorry for myself.  I REALLY do.  There are so many more people out there with WAY worse situations than mine.  That being said, one of my original goals for this blog was to accurately depict the adoption journey.  So.  Here I go.

I have felt like a crazy person for the last few weeks.  We have our profile book turned in and are officially "on the list".  The problem is that now we wait.  We. Just. Wait. I'm not a very patient person.  I want to be actively doing things to help the process move along.  There is literally NOTHING I can do.

We became aware of a potential situation before we even turned our books in.  That really had my adrenaline going!  And then we didn't hear anything.  At all.  So I'm assuming we weren't picked.  That's a whole different set of emotions.  I feel like we aren't good enough or something in our book wasn't right or we aren't religious enough or we like Disney too much or a trillion other things.  In my logical brain, I know this is not correct.  I KNOW someone will pick us.  I KNOW I have no idea what makes a birth mom choose a potential family.  I KNOW all of that.  The problem is that my heart is not getting the message and I literally feel pain in my heart.

Thankfully, I found a domestic adoption support group on Facebook.  This has been the BEST thing to happen to me recently.  It has made me realize that I know that everything I am feeling is normal.  I also know that there are people out there feeling the EXACT same way that I do.  I have tons of people saying that it is worth it in the end.  I believe all of that and it does give me comfort.

My heart still hurts though.

I had been completely against buying anything for our future baby.  Like, COMPLETELY against it.  But one of the pieces of advice I got from the support group WAS to buy things for my future child.  (This then led to an internal battle of sticking to my guns or going against my initial decision).  Thankfully, my mom and husband love me very much and put up with crazy me last weekend.  We all went shopping and bought a few things that are sitting in a box in our office:

This made me feel SO much better.  This is my only way of actively doing something  to help the process.  It won't make anything happen faster, but at some point we WILL get a baby and we WILL use this stuff.  This will have to work as my coping mechanism for the next....however long it takes. Other great coping mechanisms include red wine, brownies, and Shonda Rhimes ;-)

One of the reasons the heartache has been so hard for me is because I am a happy person!  Anyone you ask would tell you that I am smiling, laughing, and making jokes most of the time (at least I think).  Being sad is a new thing for me.  

All of the "poor me" aside, I am SO thankful for some of the people I have in my life.  I have read horror stories about people who are going to adopt who are treated like some kind of lepers!  I may not be pregnant, but I am still an expectant mother.  Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to say that I go through any of the morning sickness, swollen ankles, or physical pain and changes that a pregnant expectant mother goes through.  But, I am going through all kinds of emotions.  The difference emotionally is that my expectancy doesn't stop at nine months necessarily. I have to deal with these emotions for who knows how long.  I KNOW that being a pregnant expectant mother is insanely hard and I will never understand how that feels.  But it's nice to know that some people understand that I'm going through stuff too.

Besides all the sadness, so many things have made me smile this week:

1.  My students.  As much as they drive me crazy, they never cease to make me smile every day.

2.  People in my life who care.  When talking on our hospitality committee at school about baby shower planning, one member saying "and we will have a shower for you when you get a baby too!"

3.  My friend at school constantly reminding me that I am an expectant mother, assuring me that my emotions are normal, and being a shoulder to lean on and cry on all the time.  AND I love our thirty second dance parties =)

4.  The facebook support group I found.  I mean...that has completely changed my life.

5.  My husband.  While sometimes my husbands lack of anxiety toward this situation frustrates me, he is my rock and if he were worried like me, it would be a terrible thing ;-)  Also, he puts up with me and my craziness.

6.  My dog.  She knows just when I need her to sit on my lap and give me kisses.

7.  My mom visiting.  Even though she probably didn't know it, it made a world of difference to have my mom here.


I know this was a little bit of a bummer of a post; but, like I said, I want this to be an accurate depiction of my journey.  If one person going through the adoption process reads this post and thinks "it's not just me!!!", then I think I have done my job.

Until next time...

Katie
"DNA doesn't make a family, love does" - The Fosters

Profile Book so far....

Click here to view this photo book larger

The new way to make a photo album: photo books by Shutterfly.

Check Check Check!

We are checking things off the adoption list left and right!  It's been a while since I posted, but there wasn't really much to post.

ALL of our paperwork is turned in!!!!!!!

Mike and I each had our individual meetings with Geralyn.  These were pretty intense!  I met with her first and she asked me a whole bunch of questions about EVERYTHING.  My family, his family, drug use, alcohol use, religion, medical histories, etc.  I, of course, had nothing to hide, but I felt like I was being interrogated!  I know that's what has to be done, though :-)  The worst thing about this was that I couldn't talk to Mike about it until after he had his meeting.  She wants to make sure our answers match up.  Thank God I went first.  It would have been really hard for Mike to go first and not tell me.  I would have tried really hard to make him tell me ;-)

At the end of Mike's appointment, Geralyn set up our home inspection for yesterday.  I was incredibly nervous and anxious all week about this.  I knew all along we would do fine, but I tend to be a worrier.  In fact, Thursday night, I decided that a spring wreath on our door just wouldn't do.  I should make a fall wreath.  I didn't do it though.  I decided to come home and unwind with a glass of wine instead.  Good choice!

Geralyn was supposed to come at 9:00, but it kept getting pushed back and she ended up coming at about 1:00.  This made for an anxious morning of sitting around waiting.  I made some cinnamon coffee cake so our house would smell delicious :-)

When she got here, we all sat around the table so she could ask us any questions she had about our paperwork.  She talked to us a little more about our religious beliefs (this seems to be the hardest thing for Mike and me to articulate).  It doesn't matter to her what our beliefs are, but she has to be able to type up something specific in our report.  We talked about some different situations we may be open to (birth parents having mental illnesses, race, etc.).  Then, she asked a bunch of questions about our home and told us things that we already knew:  outlets have to be covered, medication and cleaning supplies have to be put so a kid can't reach it, we need to put a gate around our firepit, we should get chimes for the doors, and so on.  Obviously, none of this will matter until we have a toddler, but it's great to be prepared!  We took her on a tour around our house (which was super clean, thanks to my amazing husband!).  She just needed to check to make sure we have hot water, no loose wires, food in the fridge, and other stuff like that.  Phoebe was a perfect dog the whole time, too!  At the end of the visit, she gave us the good news....

WE ARE APPROVED!

As soon as we finish our profile book, we will be on a list and could get a baby at ANY TIME!

This is so exciting and terrifying at the same time!  Normally, parents have nine months to prepare for a baby.  We could wait a month or we could wait two years, we just don't know.  Even when we are selected by a birth mother, we still can't prepare too much in case she changes her mind.

It's weird, but I really fell like an expectant mother (emotionally, not physically).  I have been thinking about my future baby a lot.  Mike and I have been discussing the baby's room, names, and all kinds of other fun stuff.

Now, about that profile book...

This is definitely the hardest part of this whole thing for me.  This is what the birth mothers will look at to CHOOSE her child's future parents.  Luckily, if you know my husband, he tends to not freak out...like...ever.  So even though this is worrying me a ton, he has been able to help me through it and we got a lot done yesterday.  I will post later or tomorrow the progress of our books and would love opinions on it!

Until next time...

Katie
"DNA doesn't make a family, love does" - The Fosters

It's Getting Real

I haven't updated in a while, but that's because there hasn't been a whole lot to say.  We have been working on this...

This is only the paperwork for Catholic Charities.  We haven't even touched Heart of Adoptions paperwork.
It actually has not been too bad working on the paperwork.  It has been eye opening to Mike and I.  We have had to answer some tough questions:
How much alcohol/drugs/ tobacco use are you comfortable with the birth mother using?
What kind of social and medial problems are you comfortable with the child having?
What religion will you raise your child to be?
What kind of parent will you be?

That isn't even the tip of the iceberg.  These are some really hard things to think about.  I struggle with wanting to be a good person and saying that we would take any child, but I don't think we can.  If we were to get pregnant and give birth to a severely disable child, then it would be a different story.  Can we knowingly CHOOSE to have a child who is severely disabled?  I don't think so.  Does this make me a bad person?  I don't know.  That is something I have been struggling with.

Religion is a tricky thing for us too.  And "What kind of parents will we be?"?  How do you know that before you're a parent?

It is SO much to think about.   I have had insomnia for the past week or so because this is all running through my head.  I got up the other morning at 2:00AM and ordered an adoption book because I feel like we should be educating ourselves more.

The fun part for me about the paperwork has been reliving my childhood.  There are five pages that ask about me and my childhood and my family.  I had an amazing childhood and have a pretty great family.  When I write about that, I picture my future child on Disney Cruises with my family, at Christmas time and Thanksgiving with my Aunts and Uncles, singing while my Dad plays guitar, being spoiled by my Mom (probably at Kohl's), being goofy with my brother.  And that's only MY family.  Thinking about my future child with Mike's huge family warms my heart too.  If my future child only knew how much love he or she is in store for! :)

We had a meeting today with Geralyn at Catholic Charities.  She will basically be with us through this whole process.  Mike and I both really really like her!  She is very relaxed, but thorough.  She makes me feel much less overwhelmed about everything.  We have been concerned with educating ourselves about parenting and, specifically, parenting an adopted child.  She told us that she will be doing lots of education with us and we will go to a class in December.  I am so excited to do this class, especially to meet people who are going through the same thing we are.  There is also some kind of cookout in November (Adoption Awareness Month) that I am looking forward to also.  We can meet people who have been through the process and pick their brain.

The next step (besides the never ending paperwork that we are about 25% through with) is that we will meet individually with Geralyn so she can get to know each of us better.  I meet with her on Tuesday, and Mike meets with her the following week.  In the mean time, I am looking at all the cute Disney things I can buy for my future baby and his or her nursery on Pinterest.

Until next time...

Katie
"DNA doesn't make a family, love does." - The Fosters

It's Complicated

I feel like all I have done is stare at this paperwork for the last few days.  It is super overwhelming.  I am constantly afraid that we are going to answer a question wrong or our house won't be good enough or Phoebe won't behave when we have our home inspection.  The giant hole (firepit/jacuzzi) in our backyard doesn't help either!  This is how I am though.  I am always afraid of doing something wrong.  I just have to keep it in my head that the end of this process results in a child.

On to something else...

Yesterday we had our phone meeting with Heart of Adoptions.  Our major concern/question for them was about the cost.  Obviously, a child is worth any of the cost, but the difference in cost between Catholic Charities and Heart of Adoptions is a TON.  Catholic Charities will end up costing about $17,700.  Of that, $1,200 is for the home inspection and the rest we pay after we take home a child.  Heart of Adoptions could end up costing anywhere from $25,000 to $40,000.  That is a big difference!  We did find out yesterday, though, that you only pay about $3,000 up front for Heart of Adoptions and you do not pay any more until you are matched with a birth mom.  Our worry was that we sign up with Heart of Adoptions AND Catholic Charities, get matched with Catholic Charities, and lose all our money with Heart of Adoptions.  This isn't the case. (Yay!)  So, it looks like we will go through Heart of Adoptions AND Catholic Charities.  Casting the net wider will only hellp =)

Luckily, we will only have to do one home inpspection (phew!).  So we will do that through Catholic Charities and then have to pay a small fee to use it for Heart of Adoptions.  We can also use the same profile for both.  However, we now have two mountains of paperwork to go through. =/

After our phone call, we went to get FBI finger printing done.  We are both getting our medical record forms taken care of this week too.  We have a busy weekend coming up, but the weekend after that will be spent filling out all of the paperwork.

I have had a bunch of people reach out on Facebook to help in any way they can.  That has really been surprising (in SUCH a good way).  =)  Thanks to everyone who did that!

Until next time...

Katie

"DNA doesn't make a family, love does." - The Fosters

One Small Step...

First of all, I have to say how incredibly touched I am by the amount of support I have gotten via Facebook and my POF Facebook group.  I thought a few people might be interested in this blog, but the amount of comments and likes I have gotten is astounding.  It really warms my heart =)

Today was our appointment at Catholic Charities.  This was basically an introduction to the adoption process if we decide to go with them (which we certainly will!).  Here is a run down of what we found out:

The process could take anywhere from days (once we are on the waiting list) to years.  The average time people wait is less than two years.  This is what we were expecting so no surprises there.  Catholic Charities in Gainesville did nine adoptions last year and the waiting list is about twenty families long.  I must say, I kind of like that it is a smaller number of families as opposed to some of the bigger agencies.  Our next step will be to complete our home study.  We have made an appointment for August 8th to start this process.  In the mean time, the lady with whom we will be meeting (Geralyn) sent us the paperwork that we need to get started with.  This is where it gets complicated!  We need to fill out a thirty page application, get county background checks, get FBI background checks, get a medical form filled out by our doctors, and get five reference forms and letter from family and friends.  Most of the forms are pretty straight forward, but the application is really complicated.  It asks questions that I haven't ever even thought of.  I guess that is a good thing, but it certainly feels overwhelming at the moment.  Along with these forms, we will have several visits as a couple and individually with Geralyn and then she will come to our house to check everything out (hopefully Pheebs will be on her best behavior!).  While we are doing all of the paperwork and visits, we also need to work on a profile for potential mothers to look at.

PHEW! This is going to be a lot of work.  I guess that's where the term "paper pregnancy" comes from ;-)

This should all be completed by October and then we will be put on a waiting list.  The next step will be someone hopefully choosing us!  Here is how this works:

Birth moms make a list of qualities they are looking for in prospective parents for their children, and Catholic Charities find the top five couples on their list who meet that criteria (starting from people who have been on the list the longest).  A birth mom could pick us out as soon as six weeks into her pregnancy.  This is not ideal though.  Catholic Charities tries to help convince the birth mom that waiting until the third trimester is the best time to make a decision.  There could also be a birth mom who gives birth and decides all the sudden that she wants to give her baby up.  We could get a call that we are getting a baby immediately.  This is definitely a lot less predictable than a nine month pregnancy would have been, but that's okay!

Mike and I feel really good about the meeting we had today!

The lady we met with today said the best thing we could do to help ourselves is to spread the word.  If you know of anyone, or if you know of anyone who KNOWS anyone who is looking to give a baby up for adoption, please contact us.  She said that is how mothers and adoptive parents get matched a lot of the time.  

One more random thing for the day.  At Publix, I was buying a card for someone and found these cards...

I have NEVER seen adoption cards before!  I'm sure they existed, but I thought it was interesting that I saw them today of all days =)

Until next time...

Katie

"DNA doesn't make a family, love does." - The Fosters

Let's start from the very beginning...

About a year ago, I got the devastating news that I have Premature Ovarian Failure.  Essentially, this means that I have been through menopause and my ovaries do not work (hence the "failure").  Technically, there is a 5% chance of conceiving naturally, but I've never been lucky when it comes to my health =/.  Unfortunately, I can't say that I was surprised by this diagnosis.  I have had health problems all my life, and I knew in my heart that having a baby would not be easy for me.  My husband, Mike, and I were given the option of egg donation.  There was not one part of me that wanted to do that.  It is definitely the right decision for some people, but not me. 

Immediately, adoption seemed like the right choice.  I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason, and I think this happened so that Mike and I can be parents to a child who would not otherwise have parents.  Finding out I had POF was such a huge deal to Mike and me that we wanted to make sure we thought long and hard about what we wanted to do.  

It has been almost a year now, and we are diving into the adoption process.  Tomorrow, we have a meeting with Catholic Charities in Gainesville.  Tuesday, we have a phone meeting with Heart of Adoptions.  I am very excited to find out how we start the process!  

I never thought I would be a "blogger".  I don't like to write very much.  My hopes with starting this blog are these:
1.  When I get depressed, sad, frustrated or tired of waiting for a baby; I can look back at the parts of the blog when I was excited and happy!
2.  When my child gets older, they can read for themselves about the journey they took to get to wear they belong.
3.  I hope that this blog might help one person who may be going through the same thing I am.

The title of my blog actually comes from a TV show (shocking for those of you who know me;-)).  It comes from "The Fosters", and  it is the theme song to the show:
"It's not where you come from, it's where you belong..."

That's my outlook at the moment.  I think about my future child and where they come from is not as important as where they belong...with Mike and me.

Until next time...

Katie <3

"DNA doesn't make a family, love does"