Grief

I have been walking around like a zombie.  I have been wondering how it is possible to feel so much sadness and loss for a child that was never mine.  I have been thinking that I am overreacting.  Why do I need to miss work?  Why do I need to hide?  Will people think I am being ridiculous?  Dramatic? After all, I said I wasn't going to get excited.  I said I wasn't going to get attached.  I tried.  I prepared for this situation, even though it would never happen. It didn't matter.

Naturally, I am a happy extrovert.  I like to share news (good and bad) about myself with the people who care about me.  I am the first one to overshare and I am so open with my life.   I like to see people happy and excited.  I loved that my daughter was so ready for a little sister.  I loved that we were planning baby's first trip to Disney.

Do I regret any of that now?  A little.  Mostly, I wish I would have let myself feel the joy for a few weeks instead of so much worry.  I tried to guard myself by not feeling the excitement, but it didn't work anyway.  Now I feel so much pain.

What I keep reading is that this is like any grieving process - but not.  This is the grief of losing someone that still exists in the world. 

I keep thinking of what I SHOULD be doing right now.  I should be exhausted from being up all night with a newborn.  There should be piles of laundry and tons of dirty diapers.  Alice should be learning how to be a big sister.  Those things are happening - just not here.  With someone else.  I wonder what her name is.  I wonder what she will grow up to be like.  I will always wonder these things, and a part of me will always mourn this loss.


I have spent the few days reaching out to an adoption support group, to our local social worker, and to the internet.  I have googled the phrase "failed adoption" more times than I can count.
I have heard story after story from fellow adoptive moms that are just as heartbreaking and more heartbreaking than my own.  They have brought me some comfort.  That is why I am writing everything in this blog.  I am hoping that someday, maybe my words can bring a grieving adoptive mother or father a little comfort.  Maybe she will realize that she is not alone and that her feelings are VALID.


What I am trying to make myself believe now is this:  it's okay to feel the way I feel.  It IS the loss of a child.  It IS the loss of an idea of what our family was going to be.  I am NOT being dramatic.  I can feel and act however I want.  It IS okay for me to hide.  I hide behind words: text messages, facebook messages, e-mail.  That's how I am coping.  And I appreciate all the texts and messages that I have gotten - I truly do.  Don't stop.  Mike and I have an amazing support system. 

As I said, "everything happens for a reason", and maybe this reason is so someone else will read this one day and feel an ounce of comfort during this horrific time.