It has been a month since we got that phone call. That horrible phone call. While life has gone back to normal, for the most part, it's still different. I am feeling much more myself, but there is a little part of my heart that will always belong to the little girl that didn't come home with us.
It's interesting. Now that I have a pretty good head on my shoulders, I can look back at how I felt a few weeks ago and reflect on it. I have to say that I am actually proud of the way I handled myself. My first instinct when we got the news was to jump right back into work and my social life. That would make me feel better, I thought. But something in me couldn't do that. I didn't need to feel better at that point. What I needed to do was be heartbroken. Angry. Frustrated. Sad. This was not a little thing that happened to me. This was life-changing loss and grief. I truly felt like I was drowning and I didn't know when or if I would come up for air. I am proud that I reached out for help. I talked to a therapist (and am still seeing her), and that has changed my life for the better already.
I have been very lucky in my life. I have not had to deal with trauma and loss really. I have been through the loss of relatives, which, of course, is terribly sad. I have been through the pain that comes with finding out I would never become pregnant. But, overall, my life has been pretty happy. This was the first time I experienced such significant heartbreak and sadness. This was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. And I made it through.
Do I still think about that baby girl? All the time. Do I become unbearably sad when I see someone holding a baby carrier? Comforting a tiny baby? Yes.
Now what? We aren't sure. We lost an incredibly significant amount of money with this failed adoption. We definitely won't be able to adopt with the same agency again as we can not afford it. We are on the list at Catholic Charities still. To be honest, though, I'm not ready. I made it through that heartbreak once, but I don't know if I could do it again. Maybe that was the world telling us Alice is supposed to be an only child? I don't know. What I do know is that now is the time we need to take care of each other. Alice still asks about "Baby Wendy" sometimes. And I've tried to explain it to her the best I can, but her three-year old brain doesn't grasp it. She's not sad, necessarily, just confused. So, right now, family time is the most important thing. We have taken trips to Disney, a trip to the beach, spent time together watching movies, and just being together. My family is my world and if it's just supposed to be the three of us, that's okay.
We have time. We have a good life. We have a great family.
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