The Important Things

I'm going to preface this post with a few things:
1.  It's going to be a long one...a lot has gone on over the last two months.
2.  Mike and I are fine and happy. =)
3.  I struggled with even writing this post.  I didn't know what the point was.  All of the mess that has gone on has basically put us right where we started.  BUT then I reread my first post EVER and why I wanted to write this blog.  I hoped this blog would help just one person.  And maybe someone can read this post and decide to handle things differently then we did or advocate for themselves more.  Or maybe someone will read it and relate....just a little.

So, here goes.

On April 11, I had my last therapy session.  I was feeling back to my normal self.  I was moving past the failed adoption.  I felt happy again.  I told my therapist I would call her when I needed her.  And life was moving on!  We had sent our profile books to an adoption lawyer in town and were back on the list at Catholic Charities.

On April 17, I came home from dinner to a very concerned-looking Mike.  He had just gotten off the phone with our social worker from the agency who gave him the news that the birthmom (same one we had been through the failed adoption with) had changed her mind and wanted us to have the baby after all.  We were shocked.  We had just closed that chapter.  But maybe this was meant to be after all.  Mike asked her what could possibly go wrong, and she told us that there was a small chance the foster family that had the baby and the baby's four year old sister could fight and would cause DCF to disagree with the placement.  BUT, she said, it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY.  We are hoping you will have her by the weekend, she said.

A few days of waiting went by.  I was told to talk to the attorney assigned to our case.  So, I called him, and he told me it would definitely be more than a few days.  He said that a bunch of people (DCF, the guardian ad litem (GAL), the District Attorney, etc) had to sign off.  He said he does these cases all the time, and they always turn out in favor of the adoptive couple.  I asked about the concern of the four year old and the baby staying together and he said she's only four, there hasn't been much bonding yet, it shouldn't be a problem.

A few more days of waiting went by and we got a message from our SW "the hearing is scheduled for May 9 at 3:00."  WHAT?  What hearing?!  Did someone object?  She told us no one objected, but they wanted basically dot all the i's and cross all the t's.  This was a mere formality, and we just needed to hold out until then and "we would prevail" she said.  So we went through a couple of excruciating weeks of more waiting.  We kept almost putting life on hold.  We kept telling our bosses that we may be out for a few weeks.  Nothing was sure.

May 9 came, and the SW called my husband.  She said everyone was on board but the GAL wanted an evidentiary hearing.  Apparently that means they need to go through everything with a fine tooth comb.  They were concerned because they wanted both girls to be together. So they wanted to hear what happened from the birthmom's perspective from the very beginning of her pregnancy.  There was a hearing schedule for June 21, she told us.  I was furious.  No one had told us this was a possibility.  I continually and annoyingly asked the attorney and the SW what could go wrong prior to this hearing.  I asked for all details - good and bad.  Both of them continued to tell me that though they couldn't promise anything, this was just something that had to be done.  On May 9, I was ready to back out of this adoption as well as adoption in the future.  I was so frustrated and tired of being dragged along.  I talked to the SW at length about possibly stepping back so that the girls could be together.  "We don't want to fight or rip a family apart" I said.  She told us things like "the sister is only 4, she doesn't make the decisions".  "Don't you want this baby?".  She made me feel like if we didn't take the baby, someone else would and the girls would still be split up.  In that case, we knew that if we ended up with the baby, we would do everything we could to keep the girls' relationship close.  So we decided to keep going. 

We did a pretty good job of ignoring the whole situation for a few weeks.  We tried to emotionally detach and focus on our family and friends and jobs.  As it was getting close to June 21, I began asking some questions.  We were told a lot of things.  The birthmom now wanted us to have both the baby and the four year old, were we willing to take her?  We said yes, though we knew that would be incredibly hard.  We were then asked to testify at the hearing.  That seemed off to us for a couple reasons.  First of all, we thought this was a hearing to hear from the birthmother.   Second, shouldn't they have known that a long time ago?  We reluctantly said okay.  Then, two days ago, I was asked for pictures of the nursery and videos of Alice talking about her little sister.  THEN I was told to be prepared and stay strong because this was going to be a fight.  The foster family wanted both girls and had pictures and videos.  And they weren't backing down.  Suddenly the guardian ad litem AND the state were against placement.  But they weren't earlier?  Lies.

WE DIDN'T WANT A FIGHT!  WE DON'T WANT TO RIP A FAMILY APART!  That was what we said from the first day this situation came back.  If the girls could be together, they should be.  I asked the SW what would happen if we backed down.  Would the girls stay together?  She said it was possible for another family to adopt them from the agency.  But my gut was telling me, that they would stay together if we stopped "fighting".  The SW told me that we were who the birthmom picked and again, "don't you want the baby?".  I asked if the foster parents were bad people.  She told me not necessarily, but they did "manipulate the birthmother into giving them the baby"

At that moment, I got all kinds of clarity.  This is not about us.  This is not about the birthmom.  This is about two little girls.  A four year old and her three and a half month old sister.  We were not going to be the people that ruined their relationship.  I stopped talking to the SW, though she continued sending me pictures of the baby (to convince me I guess?).  Mike and I talked at length about the situation, and decided that we were going to do the RIGHT thing and take ourselves out of the picture.  We slept on that decision, and thought it was a good one, but wanted to wait on a few more facts before we made the call.

Mike called the SW and told her we were done.  She was disappointed and surprised.  He then get a call from the attorney who basically told him that we were definitely not going to end up with the four year old and he was confident we would have "won" the case.  (Why we were even told about getting the four year old is not clear.  Someone lied or misinformed us).  So we would have ripped the sisters apart.  Mike thanked him for the information and told him we were at peace with our decision.

Through entirely separate sources, we were able to find out more information then anyone had given us during the entire four months we had been with this agency.  We found out the GAL was adamant on keeping the girls together and that the four year old WAS going to be adopted by the foster family.  So, there was no way we were ever going to get her.  Which meant...if we did get the baby, we were definitely separating the girls.  We also found out that the foster family has had the four year old since she was nine months old.  They have celebrated each of her birthdays with her.  She was, in no uncertain terms, their daughter.  And so was the baby.  The foster parents are good people who love those girls more than anything.  We got a few more details about the situation, and every detail made us feel better and better about our decision.

So...what will happen to the girls?  Well, from what we understand the hearing is cancelled.  For now, they will both be with the foster family.  And, hopefully, they will get to adopt both girls.  However, the adoption agency and birthmom could still continue to fight for the baby being adopted by another couple.  If that happens, and I hope it doesn't, it would be the birthmom and agency ruining the girls' relationship, not us.

As for us, we both feel completely at peace and happy with this decision.  We know our baby is out there.  We will continue to be on the list at Catholic Charities, and though it may take a while, it will happen.  And it will happen the RIGHT and HONEST way.

I've learned some important things from this situation:
1.  Go with your gut.  When the adoption agency FIRST called back in February about this situation, they wanted $26,000 basically the next day.  My gut told me that was sketchy, but we were told that was the only way we would get the baby, so we did it.  I would never do that again.  This agency took $26,000 and four months of our life.

2.  I should have been more of an advocate for me, my husband, and those girls.  I didn't realize talking to the birthmom or foster family during this process was an option.  If that could have happened two months ago, we wouldn't have ended up in this mess.

3.  Unfortunately, not everyone in the business of adoption is in it to help the children.  I am convinced that this agency preys on the desperation of adoptive parents.  And I am also convinced that we were lied to a whole lot so that the agency wouldn't end up losing money.  Now that we HAVE backed out, they are going to have to eat the lawyer fees, I am assuming.  Otherwise, we would have paid those.  How they could think splitting up siblings with NO GOOD REASON was acceptable, I don't know.  It breaks my heart.

4.  The most important lesson I have learned is that I am STRONG.  The me that started this journey is not the same me that I am now.  I have overcome heartbreak, loss, grief, dishonesty, anger, and many other things that no one should have to go through.  And I will continue to go through hard things in this process.  But now, I know without a doubt I can handle anything that comes my way.

I wish I could change the system.  I wish I could be an advocate for every child out there.  I can't.  BUT, I can do some things, and so can anyone reading this.  I am going to look into signing up to be a Guardian Ad Litem.  It is a volunteer position.  And then I will be an advocate for at least one child that doesn't otherwise have a voice.

I have also contacted someone to let them know that if the adoption agency does try to place the baby for adoption away from her sister, I will do anything to help fight it.  I WILL fight for the girls to stay together in this foster home.  I WILL stand up for those girls.

Thank you for reading and thank you for supporting me and my family.