I have felt like a crazy person for the last few weeks. We have our profile book turned in and are officially "on the list". The problem is that now we wait. We. Just. Wait. I'm not a very patient person. I want to be actively doing things to help the process move along. There is literally NOTHING I can do.
We became aware of a potential situation before we even turned our books in. That really had my adrenaline going! And then we didn't hear anything. At all. So I'm assuming we weren't picked. That's a whole different set of emotions. I feel like we aren't good enough or something in our book wasn't right or we aren't religious enough or we like Disney too much or a trillion other things. In my logical brain, I know this is not correct. I KNOW someone will pick us. I KNOW I have no idea what makes a birth mom choose a potential family. I KNOW all of that. The problem is that my heart is not getting the message and I literally feel pain in my heart.
Thankfully, I found a domestic adoption support group on Facebook. This has been the BEST thing to happen to me recently. It has made me realize that I know that everything I am feeling is normal. I also know that there are people out there feeling the EXACT same way that I do. I have tons of people saying that it is worth it in the end. I believe all of that and it does give me comfort.
My heart still hurts though.
I had been completely against buying anything for our future baby. Like, COMPLETELY against it. But one of the pieces of advice I got from the support group WAS to buy things for my future child. (This then led to an internal battle of sticking to my guns or going against my initial decision). Thankfully, my mom and husband love me very much and put up with crazy me last weekend. We all went shopping and bought a few things that are sitting in a box in our office:
This made me feel SO much better. This is my only way of actively doing something to help the process. It won't make anything happen faster, but at some point we WILL get a baby and we WILL use this stuff. This will have to work as my coping mechanism for the next....however long it takes. Other great coping mechanisms include red wine, brownies, and Shonda Rhimes ;-)
One of the reasons the heartache has been so hard for me is because I am a happy person! Anyone you ask would tell you that I am smiling, laughing, and making jokes most of the time (at least I think). Being sad is a new thing for me.
All of the "poor me" aside, I am SO thankful for some of the people I have in my life. I have read horror stories about people who are going to adopt who are treated like some kind of lepers! I may not be pregnant, but I am still an expectant mother. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to say that I go through any of the morning sickness, swollen ankles, or physical pain and changes that a pregnant expectant mother goes through. But, I am going through all kinds of emotions. The difference emotionally is that my expectancy doesn't stop at nine months necessarily. I have to deal with these emotions for who knows how long. I KNOW that being a pregnant expectant mother is insanely hard and I will never understand how that feels. But it's nice to know that some people understand that I'm going through stuff too.
Besides all the sadness, so many things have made me smile this week:
1. My students. As much as they drive me crazy, they never cease to make me smile every day.
2. People in my life who care. When talking on our hospitality committee at school about baby shower planning, one member saying "and we will have a shower for you when you get a baby too!"
3. My friend at school constantly reminding me that I am an expectant mother, assuring me that my emotions are normal, and being a shoulder to lean on and cry on all the time. AND I love our thirty second dance parties =)
4. The facebook support group I found. I mean...that has completely changed my life.
5. My husband. While sometimes my husbands lack of anxiety toward this situation frustrates me, he is my rock and if he were worried like me, it would be a terrible thing ;-) Also, he puts up with me and my craziness.
6. My dog. She knows just when I need her to sit on my lap and give me kisses.
I know this was a little bit of a bummer of a post; but, like I said, I want this to be an accurate depiction of my journey. If one person going through the adoption process reads this post and thinks "it's not just me!!!", then I think I have done my job.
Until next time...
"DNA doesn't make a family, love does" - The Fosters