There's been a lot going on over the past few weeks.
We were given several other places to contact about adoption through a friend of mine who has adopted five children. So...we did that. We now have our book with several other attorneys and St. Gerard Campus in St. Augustine.
Nothing happened for a while and then I was contacted by St. Gerard Campus about a potential birth mom who was going to look at our book, but they didn't have our book (they only had an electronic copy). I rush-shipped a book to them only to not hear anything for a few days. Then I heard that they got our book and she would look at it soon. At this point, I was under the impression it was just our book. Today, I was informed a birth mom is looking at our book and two others and then she will choose one "soon". Soon. What does that mean?
How am I supposed to function without anxiously awaiting a phone call or e-mail?
This is hard.
This is the exact reason that I told our social worker at Catholic Charities to not tell me if someone is looking at our book unless it is necessary. If she does not choose us, I will be devastated. I will feel rejected. I will think we aren't good enough. People can tell me all day long that it just isn't the right fit, and this isn't what's supposed to happen, and all of the other things that people say. I will still feel terrible.
On the other hand, if we do get picked, this woman is not due until January. That is a long time. She could change her mind. She could change her mind more than once. Who would fault her? No mother should be faulted for wanting to keep her child.
If she picks us, how do I not become attached instantly to the baby?
It's so hard.
I know it will all be worth it. I know that in two years, I will look back at this post and wonder why I felt so sorry for myself. I know our baby is out there finding its way to us. I know all of the things. My brain knows all of the things. My heart doesn't.
Because I have been so emotional and things have been so hard, I have been feeling the need to "nest". Man did that alleviate some anxiety! Maybe I just need to do more of that all the time? Here are pictures of the nursery so far:
Writing also alleviates the anxiety. I'm glad I decided to write this all down. Hopefully someone out there in cyberspace reads it and understands what I'm going through. Actually, my real hope is that someone reads this and is happy that someone else understands the way they feel.
Surely, more people than just me going through this process are asking "how?". How do people do it? How am I supposed to feel? How am I FINALLY going to feel when it all comes together and our baby is with us?
In the mean time, send happy thoughts our way!
Until next time,
"DNA doesn't make a family, love does." - The Fosters