Crazy.

I've been holding off publishing anything on here lately because all it would have been is a "poor me" entry.  I hate feeling sorry for myself.  I REALLY do.  There are so many more people out there with WAY worse situations than mine.  That being said, one of my original goals for this blog was to accurately depict the adoption journey.  So.  Here I go.

I have felt like a crazy person for the last few weeks.  We have our profile book turned in and are officially "on the list".  The problem is that now we wait.  We. Just. Wait. I'm not a very patient person.  I want to be actively doing things to help the process move along.  There is literally NOTHING I can do.

We became aware of a potential situation before we even turned our books in.  That really had my adrenaline going!  And then we didn't hear anything.  At all.  So I'm assuming we weren't picked.  That's a whole different set of emotions.  I feel like we aren't good enough or something in our book wasn't right or we aren't religious enough or we like Disney too much or a trillion other things.  In my logical brain, I know this is not correct.  I KNOW someone will pick us.  I KNOW I have no idea what makes a birth mom choose a potential family.  I KNOW all of that.  The problem is that my heart is not getting the message and I literally feel pain in my heart.

Thankfully, I found a domestic adoption support group on Facebook.  This has been the BEST thing to happen to me recently.  It has made me realize that I know that everything I am feeling is normal.  I also know that there are people out there feeling the EXACT same way that I do.  I have tons of people saying that it is worth it in the end.  I believe all of that and it does give me comfort.

My heart still hurts though.

I had been completely against buying anything for our future baby.  Like, COMPLETELY against it.  But one of the pieces of advice I got from the support group WAS to buy things for my future child.  (This then led to an internal battle of sticking to my guns or going against my initial decision).  Thankfully, my mom and husband love me very much and put up with crazy me last weekend.  We all went shopping and bought a few things that are sitting in a box in our office:

This made me feel SO much better.  This is my only way of actively doing something  to help the process.  It won't make anything happen faster, but at some point we WILL get a baby and we WILL use this stuff.  This will have to work as my coping mechanism for the next....however long it takes. Other great coping mechanisms include red wine, brownies, and Shonda Rhimes ;-)

One of the reasons the heartache has been so hard for me is because I am a happy person!  Anyone you ask would tell you that I am smiling, laughing, and making jokes most of the time (at least I think).  Being sad is a new thing for me.  

All of the "poor me" aside, I am SO thankful for some of the people I have in my life.  I have read horror stories about people who are going to adopt who are treated like some kind of lepers!  I may not be pregnant, but I am still an expectant mother.  Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to say that I go through any of the morning sickness, swollen ankles, or physical pain and changes that a pregnant expectant mother goes through.  But, I am going through all kinds of emotions.  The difference emotionally is that my expectancy doesn't stop at nine months necessarily. I have to deal with these emotions for who knows how long.  I KNOW that being a pregnant expectant mother is insanely hard and I will never understand how that feels.  But it's nice to know that some people understand that I'm going through stuff too.

Besides all the sadness, so many things have made me smile this week:

1.  My students.  As much as they drive me crazy, they never cease to make me smile every day.

2.  People in my life who care.  When talking on our hospitality committee at school about baby shower planning, one member saying "and we will have a shower for you when you get a baby too!"

3.  My friend at school constantly reminding me that I am an expectant mother, assuring me that my emotions are normal, and being a shoulder to lean on and cry on all the time.  AND I love our thirty second dance parties =)

4.  The facebook support group I found.  I mean...that has completely changed my life.

5.  My husband.  While sometimes my husbands lack of anxiety toward this situation frustrates me, he is my rock and if he were worried like me, it would be a terrible thing ;-)  Also, he puts up with me and my craziness.

6.  My dog.  She knows just when I need her to sit on my lap and give me kisses.

7.  My mom visiting.  Even though she probably didn't know it, it made a world of difference to have my mom here.


I know this was a little bit of a bummer of a post; but, like I said, I want this to be an accurate depiction of my journey.  If one person going through the adoption process reads this post and thinks "it's not just me!!!", then I think I have done my job.

Until next time...

Katie
"DNA doesn't make a family, love does" - The Fosters

Profile Book so far....

Click here to view this photo book larger

The new way to make a photo album: photo books by Shutterfly.

Check Check Check!

We are checking things off the adoption list left and right!  It's been a while since I posted, but there wasn't really much to post.

ALL of our paperwork is turned in!!!!!!!

Mike and I each had our individual meetings with Geralyn.  These were pretty intense!  I met with her first and she asked me a whole bunch of questions about EVERYTHING.  My family, his family, drug use, alcohol use, religion, medical histories, etc.  I, of course, had nothing to hide, but I felt like I was being interrogated!  I know that's what has to be done, though :-)  The worst thing about this was that I couldn't talk to Mike about it until after he had his meeting.  She wants to make sure our answers match up.  Thank God I went first.  It would have been really hard for Mike to go first and not tell me.  I would have tried really hard to make him tell me ;-)

At the end of Mike's appointment, Geralyn set up our home inspection for yesterday.  I was incredibly nervous and anxious all week about this.  I knew all along we would do fine, but I tend to be a worrier.  In fact, Thursday night, I decided that a spring wreath on our door just wouldn't do.  I should make a fall wreath.  I didn't do it though.  I decided to come home and unwind with a glass of wine instead.  Good choice!

Geralyn was supposed to come at 9:00, but it kept getting pushed back and she ended up coming at about 1:00.  This made for an anxious morning of sitting around waiting.  I made some cinnamon coffee cake so our house would smell delicious :-)

When she got here, we all sat around the table so she could ask us any questions she had about our paperwork.  She talked to us a little more about our religious beliefs (this seems to be the hardest thing for Mike and me to articulate).  It doesn't matter to her what our beliefs are, but she has to be able to type up something specific in our report.  We talked about some different situations we may be open to (birth parents having mental illnesses, race, etc.).  Then, she asked a bunch of questions about our home and told us things that we already knew:  outlets have to be covered, medication and cleaning supplies have to be put so a kid can't reach it, we need to put a gate around our firepit, we should get chimes for the doors, and so on.  Obviously, none of this will matter until we have a toddler, but it's great to be prepared!  We took her on a tour around our house (which was super clean, thanks to my amazing husband!).  She just needed to check to make sure we have hot water, no loose wires, food in the fridge, and other stuff like that.  Phoebe was a perfect dog the whole time, too!  At the end of the visit, she gave us the good news....

WE ARE APPROVED!

As soon as we finish our profile book, we will be on a list and could get a baby at ANY TIME!

This is so exciting and terrifying at the same time!  Normally, parents have nine months to prepare for a baby.  We could wait a month or we could wait two years, we just don't know.  Even when we are selected by a birth mother, we still can't prepare too much in case she changes her mind.

It's weird, but I really fell like an expectant mother (emotionally, not physically).  I have been thinking about my future baby a lot.  Mike and I have been discussing the baby's room, names, and all kinds of other fun stuff.

Now, about that profile book...

This is definitely the hardest part of this whole thing for me.  This is what the birth mothers will look at to CHOOSE her child's future parents.  Luckily, if you know my husband, he tends to not freak out...like...ever.  So even though this is worrying me a ton, he has been able to help me through it and we got a lot done yesterday.  I will post later or tomorrow the progress of our books and would love opinions on it!

Until next time...

Katie
"DNA doesn't make a family, love does" - The Fosters