That has been my question for the past few weeks while we have been completing the paperwork to renew our homestudy. This will be the fourth time we have been through this process. Fingerprints, background checks, references, medical forms, financial information, forms upon forms upon forms, and more money.
Why do some people get to expand their families so easily and some not?
I hear stories every day of parents that don't deserve to be parents.
Why do they get to be?
All summer, it was so easy for me. "Out of sight, out of mind" I guess. If we got a call about a baby, GREAT; but if we didn't, no big deal. I, honestly, hardly gave it any thought during the summer at all.
Why am I having such a hard time now?
I have been IN MY HEAD for the past few weeks. Look at me and wonder why I am staring off into space? Was I short with you for no reason at all? I am in my head. The wheels won't stop turning.
Why am I CONSTANTLY in my head?
Finally, I figured it out. I am SO MAD. Maybe I should be completely over what happened to us a few months ago. And I am. I really have moved on. I am completely at peace with the decision we made, and still think it was the best for all parties involved. But. I am MAD at the way we were treated by the birthmom. I am SO MAD at the way we were treated by the social worker and agency. I am MAD at the way the BIRTHMOTHER was treated. I am MOST MAD about the way an innocent child and her four year old sister were treated. What's worse is that I have had several people contact me from facebook support groups with similar situations. No one is looking out for the children. No one is looking out for the adoptive parents.
I guess filling out forms and planning our home visit just brought back all the feelings. I thought I was done with those.
Why am I so bitter?
I found an adoption consultant company through facebook that sounds AMAZING. They have a special program with Florida families where no money has to be paid until a match is made. And then, $1,000 is paid. I thought, "Sure! We can do that! No problem!". And then I found out that the majority of the adoption situations they find cost $30,000-$50,000. Well, we can't afford that. Why? Because we lost $26,000 six months ago to a terrible adoption agency. That's why I am bitter. We are missing out on opportunities because of that agency being so horrible. We aren't poor by any means. But that's a huge risk to take again.
Luckily, the woman who runs the adoption consultant company heard our story and wanted to help. So, she still put us on their list and will contact us if any situation comes up that is more within our budget. That's something.
I'm still not in a hurry to get a baby. I'm not upset and desperate like I was before we got Alice. I don't NEED a baby now. I WANT a little sibling for Alice. She asks us every so often when her baby is coming. She wants to take her baby to school to show her friends and teachers. I have watched friends get pregnant and give birth since the last time we filled out our home study. I am SO happy for them. SO HAPPY. But, I still get to wonder "why".
If you've read any part of my blog, you know I'm a big proponent of everything happening for a reason. And I truly believe that. Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time mentally right now. I'm having a hard time seeing the "why".
I love my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my job. I have a great life.
But that doesn't mean my life is perfect. I feel the way I feel.
I was hoping writing this blog would help me get out of my head a little. I think it has. While I am writing this, I think about what my therapist told me. Grief doesn't just stop. It shows up when you least expect it. Sometimes in strange ways. I guess that's what is happening. I thought grief didn't apply to me anymore since we made the decision for ourselves to not fight for that baby girl. But, literally, as I am typing, I realize that we still lost something. I can still grieve that. I AM still grieving that loss. And, it has made me much stronger. But, it's okay to not be strong all the time and to let the grief back in. Today I am not strong. Today, I am mad. I am bitter. I am wondering why?
Tomorrow, though. Tomorrow will be better.
I really hope that the next time I write in this blog, it is full of good news.
