The Ups and Downs

What a CRAZY last few days we've had.  We finished our profile book!!!!!!! We are really proud of the way it turned out.  It was really overwhelming to work on, but I think it turned out great.  Hopefully it is an accurate depiction of our life.

I e-mailed our book to Geralyn and got a response from her almost immediately asking me to call her about a possible situation.  (I was totally freaking out).  There are a set of birth parents looking for a musical family for their child to grow up in. Geralyn said we were the most musical family she had.  So, I had our book rush shipped to these birth parents' adoption counselor.  This is a unique situation because normally, we wouldn't even know someone was looking at our book.  Hopefully, we will hear something next week (if we are picked to meet them), otherwise, we just assume we weren't picked.  It will really depend on what is most important to the birth parents.  Some of the other things they are looking for in adoptive parents don't really fit us, but we will see.

I guess this really will be a roller coaster.  I have been convincing myself for the past few days that they WILL pick us and that they WON'T pick us.  Even if they DO pick us, they still have the option to parent their child.  I am a big believer in signs, karma, energy, and those kind of things.  And in the last few days, there have been so many signs that (to me) mean we are getting a baby.  The biggest one being a coworker telling me she had a dream that Mike and I announced we were getting a baby boy.  That one really freaked me out (in a good way)!  My Disney day by day calendar was Dumbo yesterday (that's the theme we will use for the baby's room), Mike had the word "adopt" in a crossword puzzle, there was a question about adoption on Jeopardy, and a few other little signs.  You may think I'm crazy, and I am trying not to get my hopes up, but these little signs are giving me hope that this will workout.

The more I think about it, the more this whole thing is kind of crazy.  When you are pregnant, you know you have about nine months and then you get a baby.  With adoption, you could wait a few days, weeks, months, years, and then get a baby with or without much notice.  Even if you are matched, the birth mom has 48 hours after she delivers to change her mind.

Because of this, Mike and I have decided not to get anything we need for a baby until we have a baby in our arms.  Luckily, we have so many amazing friends and family members, that I think we will have people showing up to our house with everything we need almost immediately.

I am not actually publishing this post until this particular possible adoption situation is a little more resolved, but I wanted to write about what was going on right now.

Thank you EVERYONE for your incredible kindness and support!

Until next time...

Katie
"DNA doesn't make a family, love does" - The Fosters

How?

I do not know how people go through this process without losing their sanity.

There's been a lot going on over the past few weeks.

We were given several other places to contact about adoption through a friend of mine who has adopted five children.  So...we did that.  We now have our book with several other attorneys and St. Gerard Campus in St. Augustine.

Nothing happened for a while and then I was contacted by St. Gerard Campus about a potential birth mom who was going to look at our book, but they didn't have our book (they only had an electronic copy).  I rush-shipped a book to them only to not hear anything for a few days.  Then I heard that they got our book and she would look at it soon.  At this point, I was under the impression it was just our book.  Today, I was informed a birth mom is looking at our book and two others and then she will choose one "soon".  Soon.  What does that mean?

How am I supposed to function without anxiously awaiting a phone call or e-mail?

This is hard.

This is the exact reason that I told our social worker at Catholic Charities to not tell me if someone is looking at our book unless it is necessary.  If she does not choose us, I will be devastated.  I will feel rejected.  I will think we aren't good enough.  People can tell me all day long that it just isn't the right fit, and this isn't what's supposed to happen, and all of the other things that people say.  I will still feel terrible.

On the other hand, if we do get picked, this woman is not due until January.  That is a long time.  She could change her mind.  She could change her mind more than once.  Who would fault her?  No mother should be faulted for wanting to keep her child.

If she picks us, how do I not become attached instantly to the baby?

It's so hard.

I know it will all be worth it.  I know that in two years, I will look back at this post and wonder why I felt so sorry for myself.  I know our baby is out there finding its way to us.  I know all of the things.  My brain knows all of the things.  My heart doesn't.

Because I have been so emotional and things have been so hard, I have been feeling the need to "nest".  Man did that alleviate some anxiety!  Maybe I just need to do more of that all the time?  Here are pictures of the nursery so far:

Writing also alleviates the anxiety.  I'm glad I decided to write this all down.  Hopefully someone out there in cyberspace reads it and understands what I'm going through.  Actually, my real hope is that someone reads this and is happy that someone else understands the way they feel.  

Surely, more people than just me going through this process are asking "how?".  How do people do it?  How am I supposed to feel?  How am I FINALLY going to feel when it all comes together and our baby is with us? 

In the mean time, send happy thoughts our way!

Until next time,

Katie

"DNA doesn't make a family, love does." - The Fosters

Profile Book!

Mike and Katie Hope to Adopt!

Katiemmalo@yahoo.com

Happy Birthday, Blog!

You know how on Facebook, it shows you your memories of what happened a year or two years or a billion years ago in your life?  Today, it told me that I wrote my first blog post a year ago.  So, I thought now would be a good time for an update.

There actually isn't much to say, but here goes.

I can't believe it has been a year since we started this process.  It's amazing how fast time goes, but also how slow it can feel when you are waiting on something life-changing to happen.  For a year, my heart has jumped every time my phone has rung.  For a year, I have been nervously checking my e-mail every chance I get.  For a year, I have been wondering, dreaming, and worrying about being a mom.  For a year, I have been watching person after person get pregnant and wondered when it will be my turn.  For a year, I have woken up every day wondering if this will be the day we get "the call".

It has been really interesting living in this constant state of not knowing.  

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was matched and took her baby home.  This happening to her and the message she sent to me after really renewed my faith in this whole system.  I was in a bit of a depression after not hearing anything at all for several months.  I see how happy she is, though, and I know that will be me soon enough.

It has almost been a year since our home study, and we just moved.  So, we have to do more paperwork! (Yay...)  We need to get two background checks, fingerprints, medical records, financial records, and updates from our references.  All of that expires after a year.  After we have filled out all the paperwork, Geralyn will come back out for a visit to our new house.  In the mean time, if someone chooses us, it won't stop the process or anything.  We would just have to do things quickly!

Since we are in a new (bigger) house, we actually have a room just dedicated to future baby!  This means we can turn it in to a nursery without dismantling a guest room.  Before school starts, I'd really like to have a nursery set up so that when we get the call, it is one less thing we have to be stressed about.

Thankfully, I have some great friends who have helped by supplying us with a car seat, baby monitor, boppy, hanging swing, play set thing...all kinds of things!  Of course, my mom gets us stuff all the time that will be really helpful when the time comes! =)  Mike and I are really lucky with some amazing family and friends who have been and continue to be so supportive during this process.  

There is one thing that I know for sure:  this baby will be loved by SO many people.

That makes me smile.

Until next time,

Katie

"DNA doesn't make a family, love does" - The Fosters

Six Months ~ A Thousand Years

As of April 6, 2015; we have officially been on the waiting list for six months.  In most adoption cases, this isn't a long time to be waiting.  The average adoption through Catholic Charities takes two years.  That being said, I really thought that we would be only waiting a few months.  I figured..."a teacher and an engineer who love Disney!?  Who WOULDN'T pick us!?"  While I know that we will get picked and I am not REALLY in any hurry, I still find myself with hurt feelings.  I know our book has been looked at a few times.  But, obviously, we were not picked.  I find myself wondering and wondering why they didn't pick us.  I look at our book over and over trying to find something that someone didn't like.  The logical side of my brain KNOWS that we will get picked.  It WILL happen.  Everything happens for a reason.  That's my belief in life.  I just have to keep reminding myself.

On another note, I have talked to several people about possibly adopting in the future.  It makes me SO HAPPY to be able to help other people, even just a little. Infertility is heartbreaking.  Period.  Adoption is a wonderful thing.  It's also difficult and trying.   But, if I can help anyone even the tiniest bit, that feeds right into my "everything happens for a reason" philosophy.

I am also catching up with an old friend this upcoming weekend who is going through the adoption process as well!  I can't wait.  It will be so nice to talk to someone who is in my same situation.  She understands.

I have considered myself an expectant mother since October.  Lately, I've realized that expectant adoptive mothers go through "pregnancy brain" as well!  I am one of the most organized people I know.  And recently, I have been misplacing things, spacey, etc...  After some research, I realized that it is completely normal for an adoptive mother to go through this.  Thank God.  I am normal.  I am not physically pregnant, but my brain and heart are preparing for a child.  All my feelings are valid.

Lastly, I was on my way home from school today feeling especially down,  and this song came on.  I am convinced that THIS SONG came on for a reason. <3  This how I imagine I will feel when the time comes and we are given a child.

Until Next Time,
Katie


A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

The day we met,
Frozen I held my breath
Right from the start
I knew that I'd found a home for my heart...
... beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more...

I'll love you for a thousand more...

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more 

Okay.

It's been a LONG time.  The reason for that is simple:  not much is going on and I felt silly updating every time something small happened.  So last time I updated was in September and I was feeling very sorry for myself and having a hard time being patient.  My emotions have since normalized (I think).

The situation I wrote about in my last post that we heard about and thought we were being considered for obviously did not amount to us getting a baby.  After lots of nothing, we found out the birth mom decided to parent without looking at anyone's book.  This was very upsetting at first.  Then, I thought of reasons it wasn't upsetting:

1.  How can I be upset with a mother who decides to keep her child?

2.  At least she didn't look at our book and decide we weren't good enough.

3.  Were we ready?  Probably not.  We obviously could have been if we got picked, but I think this is better.

4.  That's not OUR baby.  =)

After that whole situation, I began to get used to waiting.  Don't get me wrong, my heart still skips a beat every time I get an e-mail from Geralyn or a phone call from an unknown number.  The disappointment every time it's not "the call" becomes a bit easier.

We went to our adoption class in December.  I had no idea what to expect from this.  Wasn't sure if it was a parenting class or what.  It was really a class about the hardships of adoption, adoption from the birth parents' points of view, and other emotional stuff.  It was really worthwhile, in my opinion.  A few adoptive families spoke about their experiences and it's crazy how different each experience can be.  I had not spent a lot of time thinking about how this process will be for the birth parents.  They will be in our lives forever as well.  What a crazy realization that was.  One of the best things was this video!!! (Check it out, you won't be sorry.  It'll give you a good laugh)

Christmas was great!  I tried to take advantage of it being our last (hopefully) Christmas without a child ;-).  My Mom got me a few baby things here and there, which made me happy! AND Aunt Jan and Aunt Di bought presents for future baby Malo: a painting to go in baby's room and some awesome books.  That warmed my heart more than they will ever know.

We got an update from Geralyn last week and it sounds like we have moved up the waiting list 11 spots because 11 families took babies home over the past 6 months.  A lot of the placements have been with 48 hour notice or less.  That is so crazy to wrap my mind around, but that very well could be the way it happens.  And that's okay.

As for now, we are enjoying life as two adults without chlidren.  We have several trips planned and are going out as often as we want, sleeping a lot, and enjoying this chapter of our life that is (hopefully) coming to a close soon.  My heart still yearns for my future baby when I am around my friends and their babies, or when I see a cute baby at the mall, or especially when I see adorable toddlers at Disney experiencing it for the first time.

But...I'm okay.  It will be us soon enough.  Our baby is out there.

Until next time...

Katie

"DNA doesn't make a family, love does" - The Fosters

Crazy.

I've been holding off publishing anything on here lately because all it would have been is a "poor me" entry.  I hate feeling sorry for myself.  I REALLY do.  There are so many more people out there with WAY worse situations than mine.  That being said, one of my original goals for this blog was to accurately depict the adoption journey.  So.  Here I go.

I have felt like a crazy person for the last few weeks.  We have our profile book turned in and are officially "on the list".  The problem is that now we wait.  We. Just. Wait. I'm not a very patient person.  I want to be actively doing things to help the process move along.  There is literally NOTHING I can do.

We became aware of a potential situation before we even turned our books in.  That really had my adrenaline going!  And then we didn't hear anything.  At all.  So I'm assuming we weren't picked.  That's a whole different set of emotions.  I feel like we aren't good enough or something in our book wasn't right or we aren't religious enough or we like Disney too much or a trillion other things.  In my logical brain, I know this is not correct.  I KNOW someone will pick us.  I KNOW I have no idea what makes a birth mom choose a potential family.  I KNOW all of that.  The problem is that my heart is not getting the message and I literally feel pain in my heart.

Thankfully, I found a domestic adoption support group on Facebook.  This has been the BEST thing to happen to me recently.  It has made me realize that I know that everything I am feeling is normal.  I also know that there are people out there feeling the EXACT same way that I do.  I have tons of people saying that it is worth it in the end.  I believe all of that and it does give me comfort.

My heart still hurts though.

I had been completely against buying anything for our future baby.  Like, COMPLETELY against it.  But one of the pieces of advice I got from the support group WAS to buy things for my future child.  (This then led to an internal battle of sticking to my guns or going against my initial decision).  Thankfully, my mom and husband love me very much and put up with crazy me last weekend.  We all went shopping and bought a few things that are sitting in a box in our office:

This made me feel SO much better.  This is my only way of actively doing something  to help the process.  It won't make anything happen faster, but at some point we WILL get a baby and we WILL use this stuff.  This will have to work as my coping mechanism for the next....however long it takes. Other great coping mechanisms include red wine, brownies, and Shonda Rhimes ;-)

One of the reasons the heartache has been so hard for me is because I am a happy person!  Anyone you ask would tell you that I am smiling, laughing, and making jokes most of the time (at least I think).  Being sad is a new thing for me.  

All of the "poor me" aside, I am SO thankful for some of the people I have in my life.  I have read horror stories about people who are going to adopt who are treated like some kind of lepers!  I may not be pregnant, but I am still an expectant mother.  Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to say that I go through any of the morning sickness, swollen ankles, or physical pain and changes that a pregnant expectant mother goes through.  But, I am going through all kinds of emotions.  The difference emotionally is that my expectancy doesn't stop at nine months necessarily. I have to deal with these emotions for who knows how long.  I KNOW that being a pregnant expectant mother is insanely hard and I will never understand how that feels.  But it's nice to know that some people understand that I'm going through stuff too.

Besides all the sadness, so many things have made me smile this week:

1.  My students.  As much as they drive me crazy, they never cease to make me smile every day.

2.  People in my life who care.  When talking on our hospitality committee at school about baby shower planning, one member saying "and we will have a shower for you when you get a baby too!"

3.  My friend at school constantly reminding me that I am an expectant mother, assuring me that my emotions are normal, and being a shoulder to lean on and cry on all the time.  AND I love our thirty second dance parties =)

4.  The facebook support group I found.  I mean...that has completely changed my life.

5.  My husband.  While sometimes my husbands lack of anxiety toward this situation frustrates me, he is my rock and if he were worried like me, it would be a terrible thing ;-)  Also, he puts up with me and my craziness.

6.  My dog.  She knows just when I need her to sit on my lap and give me kisses.

7.  My mom visiting.  Even though she probably didn't know it, it made a world of difference to have my mom here.


I know this was a little bit of a bummer of a post; but, like I said, I want this to be an accurate depiction of my journey.  If one person going through the adoption process reads this post and thinks "it's not just me!!!", then I think I have done my job.

Until next time...

Katie
"DNA doesn't make a family, love does" - The Fosters