The Important Things

I'm going to preface this post with a few things:
1.  It's going to be a long one...a lot has gone on over the last two months.
2.  Mike and I are fine and happy. =)
3.  I struggled with even writing this post.  I didn't know what the point was.  All of the mess that has gone on has basically put us right where we started.  BUT then I reread my first post EVER and why I wanted to write this blog.  I hoped this blog would help just one person.  And maybe someone can read this post and decide to handle things differently then we did or advocate for themselves more.  Or maybe someone will read it and relate....just a little.

So, here goes.

On April 11, I had my last therapy session.  I was feeling back to my normal self.  I was moving past the failed adoption.  I felt happy again.  I told my therapist I would call her when I needed her.  And life was moving on!  We had sent our profile books to an adoption lawyer in town and were back on the list at Catholic Charities.

On April 17, I came home from dinner to a very concerned-looking Mike.  He had just gotten off the phone with our social worker from the agency who gave him the news that the birthmom (same one we had been through the failed adoption with) had changed her mind and wanted us to have the baby after all.  We were shocked.  We had just closed that chapter.  But maybe this was meant to be after all.  Mike asked her what could possibly go wrong, and she told us that there was a small chance the foster family that had the baby and the baby's four year old sister could fight and would cause DCF to disagree with the placement.  BUT, she said, it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY.  We are hoping you will have her by the weekend, she said.

A few days of waiting went by.  I was told to talk to the attorney assigned to our case.  So, I called him, and he told me it would definitely be more than a few days.  He said that a bunch of people (DCF, the guardian ad litem (GAL), the District Attorney, etc) had to sign off.  He said he does these cases all the time, and they always turn out in favor of the adoptive couple.  I asked about the concern of the four year old and the baby staying together and he said she's only four, there hasn't been much bonding yet, it shouldn't be a problem.

A few more days of waiting went by and we got a message from our SW "the hearing is scheduled for May 9 at 3:00."  WHAT?  What hearing?!  Did someone object?  She told us no one objected, but they wanted basically dot all the i's and cross all the t's.  This was a mere formality, and we just needed to hold out until then and "we would prevail" she said.  So we went through a couple of excruciating weeks of more waiting.  We kept almost putting life on hold.  We kept telling our bosses that we may be out for a few weeks.  Nothing was sure.

May 9 came, and the SW called my husband.  She said everyone was on board but the GAL wanted an evidentiary hearing.  Apparently that means they need to go through everything with a fine tooth comb.  They were concerned because they wanted both girls to be together. So they wanted to hear what happened from the birthmom's perspective from the very beginning of her pregnancy.  There was a hearing schedule for June 21, she told us.  I was furious.  No one had told us this was a possibility.  I continually and annoyingly asked the attorney and the SW what could go wrong prior to this hearing.  I asked for all details - good and bad.  Both of them continued to tell me that though they couldn't promise anything, this was just something that had to be done.  On May 9, I was ready to back out of this adoption as well as adoption in the future.  I was so frustrated and tired of being dragged along.  I talked to the SW at length about possibly stepping back so that the girls could be together.  "We don't want to fight or rip a family apart" I said.  She told us things like "the sister is only 4, she doesn't make the decisions".  "Don't you want this baby?".  She made me feel like if we didn't take the baby, someone else would and the girls would still be split up.  In that case, we knew that if we ended up with the baby, we would do everything we could to keep the girls' relationship close.  So we decided to keep going. 

We did a pretty good job of ignoring the whole situation for a few weeks.  We tried to emotionally detach and focus on our family and friends and jobs.  As it was getting close to June 21, I began asking some questions.  We were told a lot of things.  The birthmom now wanted us to have both the baby and the four year old, were we willing to take her?  We said yes, though we knew that would be incredibly hard.  We were then asked to testify at the hearing.  That seemed off to us for a couple reasons.  First of all, we thought this was a hearing to hear from the birthmother.   Second, shouldn't they have known that a long time ago?  We reluctantly said okay.  Then, two days ago, I was asked for pictures of the nursery and videos of Alice talking about her little sister.  THEN I was told to be prepared and stay strong because this was going to be a fight.  The foster family wanted both girls and had pictures and videos.  And they weren't backing down.  Suddenly the guardian ad litem AND the state were against placement.  But they weren't earlier?  Lies.

WE DIDN'T WANT A FIGHT!  WE DON'T WANT TO RIP A FAMILY APART!  That was what we said from the first day this situation came back.  If the girls could be together, they should be.  I asked the SW what would happen if we backed down.  Would the girls stay together?  She said it was possible for another family to adopt them from the agency.  But my gut was telling me, that they would stay together if we stopped "fighting".  The SW told me that we were who the birthmom picked and again, "don't you want the baby?".  I asked if the foster parents were bad people.  She told me not necessarily, but they did "manipulate the birthmother into giving them the baby"

At that moment, I got all kinds of clarity.  This is not about us.  This is not about the birthmom.  This is about two little girls.  A four year old and her three and a half month old sister.  We were not going to be the people that ruined their relationship.  I stopped talking to the SW, though she continued sending me pictures of the baby (to convince me I guess?).  Mike and I talked at length about the situation, and decided that we were going to do the RIGHT thing and take ourselves out of the picture.  We slept on that decision, and thought it was a good one, but wanted to wait on a few more facts before we made the call.

Mike called the SW and told her we were done.  She was disappointed and surprised.  He then get a call from the attorney who basically told him that we were definitely not going to end up with the four year old and he was confident we would have "won" the case.  (Why we were even told about getting the four year old is not clear.  Someone lied or misinformed us).  So we would have ripped the sisters apart.  Mike thanked him for the information and told him we were at peace with our decision.

Through entirely separate sources, we were able to find out more information then anyone had given us during the entire four months we had been with this agency.  We found out the GAL was adamant on keeping the girls together and that the four year old WAS going to be adopted by the foster family.  So, there was no way we were ever going to get her.  Which meant...if we did get the baby, we were definitely separating the girls.  We also found out that the foster family has had the four year old since she was nine months old.  They have celebrated each of her birthdays with her.  She was, in no uncertain terms, their daughter.  And so was the baby.  The foster parents are good people who love those girls more than anything.  We got a few more details about the situation, and every detail made us feel better and better about our decision.

So...what will happen to the girls?  Well, from what we understand the hearing is cancelled.  For now, they will both be with the foster family.  And, hopefully, they will get to adopt both girls.  However, the adoption agency and birthmom could still continue to fight for the baby being adopted by another couple.  If that happens, and I hope it doesn't, it would be the birthmom and agency ruining the girls' relationship, not us.

As for us, we both feel completely at peace and happy with this decision.  We know our baby is out there.  We will continue to be on the list at Catholic Charities, and though it may take a while, it will happen.  And it will happen the RIGHT and HONEST way.

I've learned some important things from this situation:
1.  Go with your gut.  When the adoption agency FIRST called back in February about this situation, they wanted $26,000 basically the next day.  My gut told me that was sketchy, but we were told that was the only way we would get the baby, so we did it.  I would never do that again.  This agency took $26,000 and four months of our life.

2.  I should have been more of an advocate for me, my husband, and those girls.  I didn't realize talking to the birthmom or foster family during this process was an option.  If that could have happened two months ago, we wouldn't have ended up in this mess.

3.  Unfortunately, not everyone in the business of adoption is in it to help the children.  I am convinced that this agency preys on the desperation of adoptive parents.  And I am also convinced that we were lied to a whole lot so that the agency wouldn't end up losing money.  Now that we HAVE backed out, they are going to have to eat the lawyer fees, I am assuming.  Otherwise, we would have paid those.  How they could think splitting up siblings with NO GOOD REASON was acceptable, I don't know.  It breaks my heart.

4.  The most important lesson I have learned is that I am STRONG.  The me that started this journey is not the same me that I am now.  I have overcome heartbreak, loss, grief, dishonesty, anger, and many other things that no one should have to go through.  And I will continue to go through hard things in this process.  But now, I know without a doubt I can handle anything that comes my way.

I wish I could change the system.  I wish I could be an advocate for every child out there.  I can't.  BUT, I can do some things, and so can anyone reading this.  I am going to look into signing up to be a Guardian Ad Litem.  It is a volunteer position.  And then I will be an advocate for at least one child that doesn't otherwise have a voice.

I have also contacted someone to let them know that if the adoption agency does try to place the baby for adoption away from her sister, I will do anything to help fight it.  I WILL fight for the girls to stay together in this foster home.  I WILL stand up for those girls.

Thank you for reading and thank you for supporting me and my family.

Life Goes On

It has been a month since we got that phone call.  That horrible phone call.  While life has gone back to normal, for the most part, it's still different.  I am feeling much more myself, but there is a little part of my heart that will always belong to the little girl that didn't come home with us.

It's interesting.  Now that I have a pretty good head on my shoulders, I can look back at how I felt a few weeks ago and reflect on it.  I have to say that I am actually proud of the way I handled myself.  My first instinct when we got the news was to jump right back into work and my social life.  That would make me feel better, I thought.  But something in me couldn't do that.  I didn't need to feel better at that point.  What I needed to do was be heartbroken.  Angry.  Frustrated. Sad.  This was not a little thing that happened to me.  This was life-changing loss and grief.  I truly felt like I was drowning and I didn't know when or if I would come up for air.  I am proud that I reached out for help.  I talked to a therapist (and am still seeing her), and that has changed my life for the better already. 

I have been very lucky in my life.  I have not had to deal with trauma and loss really.  I have been through the loss of relatives, which, of course, is terribly sad.  I have been through the pain that comes with finding out I would never become pregnant.  But, overall, my life has been pretty happy.  This was the first time I experienced such significant heartbreak and sadness.  This was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  And I made it through.

Do I still think about that baby girl?  All the time. Do I become unbearably sad when I see someone holding a baby carrier?  Comforting a tiny baby?  Yes. 

Now what?  We aren't sure.  We lost an incredibly significant amount of money with this failed adoption.  We definitely won't be able to adopt with the same agency again as we can not afford it.  We are on the list at Catholic Charities still.  To be honest, though, I'm not ready.  I made it through that heartbreak once, but I don't know if I could do it again.  Maybe that was the world telling us Alice is supposed to be an only child?  I don't know.  What I do know is that now is the time we need to take care of each other.  Alice still asks about "Baby Wendy" sometimes.  And I've tried to explain it to her the best I can, but her three-year old brain doesn't grasp it.  She's not sad, necessarily, just confused.  So, right now, family time is the most important thing.  We have taken trips to Disney, a trip to the beach, spent time together watching movies, and just being together.  My family is my world and if it's just supposed to be the three of us, that's okay.

We have time.  We have a good life.  We have a great family.

Grief

I have been walking around like a zombie.  I have been wondering how it is possible to feel so much sadness and loss for a child that was never mine.  I have been thinking that I am overreacting.  Why do I need to miss work?  Why do I need to hide?  Will people think I am being ridiculous?  Dramatic? After all, I said I wasn't going to get excited.  I said I wasn't going to get attached.  I tried.  I prepared for this situation, even though it would never happen. It didn't matter.

Naturally, I am a happy extrovert.  I like to share news (good and bad) about myself with the people who care about me.  I am the first one to overshare and I am so open with my life.   I like to see people happy and excited.  I loved that my daughter was so ready for a little sister.  I loved that we were planning baby's first trip to Disney.

Do I regret any of that now?  A little.  Mostly, I wish I would have let myself feel the joy for a few weeks instead of so much worry.  I tried to guard myself by not feeling the excitement, but it didn't work anyway.  Now I feel so much pain.

What I keep reading is that this is like any grieving process - but not.  This is the grief of losing someone that still exists in the world. 

I keep thinking of what I SHOULD be doing right now.  I should be exhausted from being up all night with a newborn.  There should be piles of laundry and tons of dirty diapers.  Alice should be learning how to be a big sister.  Those things are happening - just not here.  With someone else.  I wonder what her name is.  I wonder what she will grow up to be like.  I will always wonder these things, and a part of me will always mourn this loss.


I have spent the few days reaching out to an adoption support group, to our local social worker, and to the internet.  I have googled the phrase "failed adoption" more times than I can count.
I have heard story after story from fellow adoptive moms that are just as heartbreaking and more heartbreaking than my own.  They have brought me some comfort.  That is why I am writing everything in this blog.  I am hoping that someday, maybe my words can bring a grieving adoptive mother or father a little comfort.  Maybe she will realize that she is not alone and that her feelings are VALID.


What I am trying to make myself believe now is this:  it's okay to feel the way I feel.  It IS the loss of a child.  It IS the loss of an idea of what our family was going to be.  I am NOT being dramatic.  I can feel and act however I want.  It IS okay for me to hide.  I hide behind words: text messages, facebook messages, e-mail.  That's how I am coping.  And I appreciate all the texts and messages that I have gotten - I truly do.  Don't stop.  Mike and I have an amazing support system. 

As I said, "everything happens for a reason", and maybe this reason is so someone else will read this one day and feel an ounce of comfort during this horrific time.

Heartbroken

I was gearing up to write a post about how nervous and excited and happy and scared I was.  Instead, I get to write this:

I see people post about failed adoptions all the time.  My heart has broken for those families over and over.  But now we are that family.  Failed. Adoption.  My heart is broken now, but for us.

Things had been going great over the past few weeks.  We had a few lunches and doctor appointments with the birthmom.  We joked around all the time.  She liked us.  We had a plan.  She wanted us in the delivery room.  I bought all the things to make her hospital stay more comfortable.  I loaded my ipad with her favorite shows.  The baby's room was ready.  We had new clothes, bottles, blankets.  We were ready.  Alice was SO excited to meet "her baby". 

But today, we got the call we never wanted.  Birthmom had changed her mind. Without going into specifics, there was only a TINY chance that she would change her mind.  But she did.  She had the baby a few days ago.  The baby is with a foster family right now (with her biological half-sister).  Birthmom is hoping she will be able to parent both children eventually.  Is there a chance things can change still?  Maybe.  That might be the hardest part.  I can't let go yet.

This is why I tried to stay neutral and tried to not get excited.  I tried not to attach myself to this baby.  Turns out, I was more attached than I thought.

I have cried.  I have stared into a room that should have a baby in it.  I've bagged up everything to return to stores tomorrow.  I've stopped planning for maternity leave.

I have all this sadness and all this anger.  But I have no one to blame it on.  I can't fault the mother for wanting to try to parent her child, even if I don't think it's the best choice. 

So for now, I let myself be sad.  I let myself be angry.  I let myself feel.

I have always said that everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that, even now.  I just want to know the reason.

Different

This week has been CRAZY!  On Tuesday, Alyce messaged to ask if we had a gender preference to which I said no.  And then she quickly said she had a situation that might be good for us.  I didn't get too excited and figured we would hear in a few days.  Well, on Wednesday, she told us it was between us and another family and she would know by the end of the day.  Again, I didn't get too excited.  After our faculty meeting, I went back in my classroom and looked at my phone and there it was. "YAY! SHE PICKED YOU!".  I couldn't believe it.  She. Picked. Us.  I was over the moon.

Then more information kept coming.  We were going to meet with the birthmom and attend her doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  We need to send in paperwork and a check.  We should get the birthmom a gift.  ALL OF THE THINGS!  It was all exciting and all things we were more than happy to do or plan to do.

But through all of this, I can't get over how different this is from Alice's situation.  Alice was so quick that there was never a thought of "will she change her mind?"  Are we going to get attached to the idea of a new baby and it get taken away from us?  Could I be mad if she changed her mind? Of course not.  How do you fault a mother for wanting to keep her child.  On top of the emotional worry, there is the practical worry.  Are we going to lose a ton of money?  If we do, would we even be able to afford to try again?  It is a lot of risk this time.

So what do I do?  I worry.  I talk to my friends until they are tired of hearing me, probably.  I keep myself busy.  I throw myself into decorating Alice's new room.

Don't get me wrong.  I am thrilled.  I can't wait.  I am SO HAPPY.  But, at this point, I have to guard my heart.

If all goes well, we will have a beautiful baby girl around March 4.

I truly hope so.

Second time around

Here we go again!

Though we announced this earlier in the year, we are on the list to adopt again!  YAY!

Lots of people have asked if it's much different this time.  The answer: YES!

To start with, we knew how the process worked and we knew who we were going to contact for our second adoption.  

So, we called Gerarlyn (our contact at Catholic Charities).  Since she already had all our information on file, the paperwork was minimal in comparison to last time.  So instead of four mountains of paperwork, we only had two. 😂  We finished the paperwork quickly and Geralyn was out to do our home study.  This was also a lot easier.  We have known Geralyn for four years and she just had to update our information.  There were no nerves on our part this time because we knew what was going on.  A few days later, we got word that our home study was approved.  Then, we started the most daunting part: our profile book.

How do you make a book marketing yourself and your family?  Not easily.  You want to make everything look perfect, but not fake.  Happy, but, again, not fake.  You want someone to look at your book and think "that's the family I want my baby to grow up in".  So, after several weeks of work, the book was finished and copies were ordered.

We sent copies to Geralyn and Alyce (who we got Alice from).  And now we wait.

If anyone reading this knew me before we adopted Alice, you know that the waiting part was nearly impossible for me.  I was an emotional wreck for a long time before we got Alice.

It is SO different this time.  I am NOT anxious.  I am NOT a nervous wreck.  I do NOT cry every night because I want a baby.  What I am is excited.  I KNOW it will happen.  And I know we will get the baby that is meant to be in our family.  

Thanks for reading, and thanks for caring. 💗

- Katie

"DNA doesn't make a family, love does." - The Fosters

Word of the year: Love.

I have been meaning to write a new post for some time now.  Being a mom has sure kept me busy!!! And I wouldn't have it any other way!  I can't believe we are getting ready to celebrate New Year's Eve with our sweet baby girl.  Just three months ago, I never thought this would happen.

Since this blog was primarily meant for adoption journey, I thought about ending it.  But, the adoption journey doesn't end when you get a baby.  So I thought I'd keep it up!  I'm sure I will always find things to write about.

How has life been since October 23?  Well, I'll tell you.

First of all, Mike, Alice, and I have been completely blown away by all the love and support we've had.  I will never forget walking into school on the morning of Friday, October 23.  It was like a celebration!  My Meadowbrook family was so happy for us.  There was happiness, tears, presents, cards, and so much love.  SO. MUCH. LOVE.




Mike and I traveled to Tampa to get our baby girl, and when we got home, Alice got to meet so many of our good friends!  Our house was like a revolving door that weekend!  There was so much love that weekend!

My parents got to meet Alice that weekend also.  And let's just say there were so many tears of joy!  Alice sure does love her Nana and Grandpa!

When they left, I was 100% ready to be a stay at home mom.  A few short days later, after lots of crying, I begged my mom to come back for a week.  She helped me immensely and got me more settled in a routine.

Alice got to meet Uncle Mike and Aunt Mary a few weeks later.  She enjoyed watching football with them!

That brings us to our baby shower.  There are no words to describe how loved and special we felt.  Even though it's a silly thing to worry about, one thing I was sad about after finding out I'd never get pregnant was that I wouldn't get to have a baby shower.  I know! it's so stupid! But, my amazing friends made sure that didn't happen.  My wonderful friends, Leigh and Melissa, planned a beautiful Alice in Wonderland themed shower.  It was more perfect then I ever could have imagined.  And the best part was that Alice got to be a part of it!  There were beautiful cupcakes that Amanda made, a fun headband making station that Carissa planned, and all kinds of other wonderful things.  Mostly, there was a ton of love! =)

          We got to travel to Georgia for Thanksgiving and Alice got to meet Aunt Sarah, Uncle John, Gracie, Andre, Penelope, Aunt Lisa, Grandmanana and Grandpa!  Her favorite thing was sleeping and cuddling with her cousin, Gracie.  And then we went to the Cecil house where she got to meet Aunt Di, Jaime, Aunt Jan, Arthur, and Denise.  What a fun time that was!  She even got to go to her first Georgia Tech Tailgate that week.



We came back to Gainesville and Alice watched her first Star Wars movie with Aunt Monica.  She also went to her first Christmas party with a bunch of her other aunts! Our handbell choir threw us a surprise baby shower a few weeks later. (We thought it was a Christmas party and had forgotten to bring a gift!)  So. Much. Love.

A few weeks later, we went back for Christmas and my best friend, Brishelle's baby shower where Alice got to meet Brishelle, Uncle Pat, and Aunt Joan.  She loved meeting everyone and can't wait to meet baby Jacob in a few months!  She also got to meet my oldest friend, Beckie!

And now, we are here.  New Year's Eve.  These last few months have felt like a dream.  In a few days, we go back to real life...with a baby!  I go back to work on Monday and Alice gets to go spend her days with Amanda, Lorelai, and Owen.  While I am one hundred percent comfortable with where she will be and who she will be with, leaving her will be hard.  Thankfully, I have wonderful friends at school who will be there for me =)

As I said, the word of this year has DEFINITELY been love.  As I sit here writing this, Mike, Alice, and Phoebe are all sleeping so soundly.  My heart is so full.  I can't wait for more love in 2016.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Until next time,

Alice's mommy