Anxiety.

I saw this picture while scrolling through instagram the other day.  It made me think of how often someone's experiences can comfort someone else.  It can make someone feel normal.  It can make someone feel not alone.  It can ease someone's fear.

If you know me, you know that I am NOT private.  I do NOT get embarrassed. I am the FIRST one to make fun of myself and my "issues".  And I am QUITE the oversharer.

Well.  I found the one thing that I DO get embarrassed by.  Anxiety attacks.

If you are rolling your eyes or thinking I am being overdramatic, then this post isn't for you.  I already worry about people talking about my writing and thinking I'm being dumb.  Just don't read it then.

While this is not necessarily a post about adoption, a lot of people going through the adoption process deal with quite a bit of anxiety.  I've dealt with anxiety since I was in college.  I've only had a few anxiety attacks in my life.  To someone without anxiety, I know how it sounds.  "Just calm down, it's not that bad."  "Take a deep breath." "Don't be so dramatic, everything is fine."  If it were that easy, we would just do that.

A little over a month ago, I had the worst two anxiety attacks I've had in my life.  While I was going through them, I googled everything I could think of to find someone with the same symptoms:  "what does an anxiety attack feel like?" "anxiety attack for no reason."  "Walk me through an anxiety attack."  I found plenty of scientific responses and medical responses, but not many stories I could relate to.  I am hoping to be someone's story to relate to.  I'm just going to write this as best I can.

For a few days; I was having shortness of breath, chest pain, and some tingling in my left arm.  Obviously this worried me.  It wasn't bad enough that I felt like I needed to go to the ER, so I talked to my mom and a friend of mine who both deal with anxiety.  They assured me that's what it was.  The problem with having anxiety is that those symptoms are the same symptoms that happen during an anxiety attack.  In the past, I could pinpoint exactly why I was having an anxiety attack.  That's what seemed weird about this one - I didn't feel stressed or anxious about anything in particular - except for my symptoms now. Over the next few days, everything started feeling worse.  And one evening, this is what happened.

This is the really embarrassing part for me..... the things I was thinking that sound absurd.  Here are the thoughts that went through my head:  Am I going to be that rare case of a 34 year old who dies of a heart attack?  Should I go to the ER?  Alice is going to live without a mother because I didn't go to the ER.  If I go to the ER, will they think I am dumb?  I am 98% sure that I am having an anxiety attack, but what if it's not?!  If someone could tell me for sure it was anxiety, I would feel better.  Mike is out of town, so if I die in my sleep, no one will be here and Alice will find me.

This is where I don't think people that don't have anxiety understand.  As I type that, it sounds stupid to me in THIS moment.  But when your body is acting out of the ordinary and you're scared, all of those thoughts are 100% real and absolutely terrifying.

Well, as you can imagine, thinking those thoughts makes everything worse.  I couldn't catch my breath, I was crying, and my heart was beating out of my chest.  I called a friend to take me to the ER.  Luckily, they didn't make me feel stupid.  They tested everything as if I was having a heart attack.  They gave me some medicines to calm me down and ease my anxiety.  About an hour later, I was much calmer.  They ran all kinds of labs to be SURE it was anxiety.  They also recommended I see a cardiologist, just to be safe (or to ease my anxiety - not sure which).  I went home and took more medication to continue easing my anxiety and went to bed.

The next evening, the same exact thing happened again.  The same thoughts:  What id they missed something at the ER?  What if it's really a heart attack this time?  

Again, I was terrified and hysterical.

But this time, I was able to have a friend come over to take my blood pressure and pulse and help take care of Alice while I took medication to feel better.  She ensured me that I was okay and nothing was wrong with my heart and, again, it was anxiety.

So what did cause these?  I still don't know.  It could be from ongoing trauma/depression from our failed adoption situation in March that I was unaware was even there.  It could be from the stress of waiting for our second adoption.  It could have nothing to do with adoption at all.  I have no idea.

Since both of these attacks happened, I have tried to take care of myself as best I can.  I think that tends to be the problem with anxiety sometimes.  People think they are being stupid and, in retrospect, maybe don't see it as big of a deal.  So, they don't get help.  They don't get medication.  And when it happens again, it's worse.  

I am not ashamed to say that I take anxiety medicine every day.  It's such a taboo thing in society, and people are so worried about being seen as weak or stupid or dramatic (including me).  It needs to not be.  

I hope that someone who needs to read this finds it.  If I could have found a blog like this, it might have helped me.  Or it might not have.  But I would have known I was not alone.

Again,  I didn't write this to be dramatic.  I didn't write this for anyone to even tell me they read it.  I wrote the story of the mountain I climbed (am climbing) in hopes to be a page in someone's survival guide.  

Why?

That has been my question for the past few weeks while we have been completing the paperwork to renew our homestudy.  This will be the fourth time we have been through this process.  Fingerprints, background checks, references, medical forms, financial information, forms upon forms upon forms, and more money.

Why do some people get to expand their families so easily and some not?

I hear stories every day of parents that don't deserve to be parents.

Why do they get to be?

All summer, it was so easy for me. "Out of sight, out of mind" I guess.  If we got a call about a baby, GREAT; but if we didn't, no big deal.  I, honestly, hardly gave it any thought during the summer at all.

Why am I having such a hard time now?

I have been IN MY HEAD for the past few weeks.  Look at me and wonder why I am staring off into space?  Was I short with you for no reason at all?  I am in my head.  The wheels won't stop turning.

Why am I CONSTANTLY in my head?

Finally, I figured it out.  I am SO MAD.  Maybe I should be completely over what happened to us a few months ago.  And I am.  I really have moved on.  I am completely at peace with the decision we made, and still think it was the best for all parties involved.  But.  I am MAD at the way we were treated by the birthmom.  I am SO MAD at the way we were treated by the social worker and agency.  I am MAD at the way the BIRTHMOTHER was treated.  I am MOST MAD about the way an innocent child and her four year old sister were treated.  What's worse is that I have had several people contact me from facebook support groups with similar situations.  No one is looking out for the children.  No one is looking out for the adoptive parents.

I guess filling out forms and planning our home visit just brought back all the feelings.  I thought I was done with those.

Why am I so bitter?

I found an adoption consultant company through facebook that sounds AMAZING.  They have a special program with Florida families where no money has to be paid until a match is made.  And then, $1,000 is paid.  I thought, "Sure!  We can do that!  No problem!".  And then I found out that the majority of the adoption situations they find cost $30,000-$50,000.  Well, we can't afford that.  Why?  Because we lost $26,000 six months ago to a terrible adoption agency.  That's why I am bitter.  We are missing out on opportunities because of that agency being so horrible.  We aren't poor by any means. But that's a huge risk to take again.

Luckily, the woman who runs the adoption consultant company heard our story and wanted to help.  So, she still put us on their list and will contact us if any situation comes up that is more within our budget.  That's something.

I'm still not in a hurry to get a baby.  I'm not upset and desperate like I was before we got Alice.  I don't NEED a baby now.  I WANT a little sibling for Alice.  She asks us every so often when her baby is coming.  She wants to take her baby to school to show her friends and teachers.  I have watched friends get pregnant and give birth since the last time we filled out our home study.  I am SO happy for them.  SO HAPPY.  But, I still get to wonder "why".

If you've read any part of my blog, you know I'm a big proponent of everything happening for a reason.  And I truly believe that.  Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time mentally right now. I'm having a hard time seeing the "why".

I love my life.  I love my family.  I love my friends.  I love my job.  I have a great life. 

But that doesn't mean my life is perfect.  I feel the way I feel. 

I was hoping writing this blog would help me get out of my head a little.  I think it has.  While I am writing this, I think about what my therapist told me.  Grief doesn't just stop.  It shows up when you least expect it.  Sometimes in strange ways.  I guess that's what is happening.  I thought grief didn't apply to me anymore since we made the decision for ourselves to not fight for that baby girl. But, literally, as I am typing, I realize that we still lost something.  I can still grieve that.  I AM still grieving that loss.  And, it has made me much stronger.  But, it's okay to not be strong all the time and to let the grief back in.  Today I am not strong.  Today, I am mad.  I am bitter.  I am wondering why?

Tomorrow, though.  Tomorrow will be better.

I really hope that the next time I write in this blog, it is full of good news.

The Important Things

I'm going to preface this post with a few things:
1.  It's going to be a long one...a lot has gone on over the last two months.
2.  Mike and I are fine and happy. =)
3.  I struggled with even writing this post.  I didn't know what the point was.  All of the mess that has gone on has basically put us right where we started.  BUT then I reread my first post EVER and why I wanted to write this blog.  I hoped this blog would help just one person.  And maybe someone can read this post and decide to handle things differently then we did or advocate for themselves more.  Or maybe someone will read it and relate....just a little.

So, here goes.

On April 11, I had my last therapy session.  I was feeling back to my normal self.  I was moving past the failed adoption.  I felt happy again.  I told my therapist I would call her when I needed her.  And life was moving on!  We had sent our profile books to an adoption lawyer in town and were back on the list at Catholic Charities.

On April 17, I came home from dinner to a very concerned-looking Mike.  He had just gotten off the phone with our social worker from the agency who gave him the news that the birthmom (same one we had been through the failed adoption with) had changed her mind and wanted us to have the baby after all.  We were shocked.  We had just closed that chapter.  But maybe this was meant to be after all.  Mike asked her what could possibly go wrong, and she told us that there was a small chance the foster family that had the baby and the baby's four year old sister could fight and would cause DCF to disagree with the placement.  BUT, she said, it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY.  We are hoping you will have her by the weekend, she said.

A few days of waiting went by.  I was told to talk to the attorney assigned to our case.  So, I called him, and he told me it would definitely be more than a few days.  He said that a bunch of people (DCF, the guardian ad litem (GAL), the District Attorney, etc) had to sign off.  He said he does these cases all the time, and they always turn out in favor of the adoptive couple.  I asked about the concern of the four year old and the baby staying together and he said she's only four, there hasn't been much bonding yet, it shouldn't be a problem.

A few more days of waiting went by and we got a message from our SW "the hearing is scheduled for May 9 at 3:00."  WHAT?  What hearing?!  Did someone object?  She told us no one objected, but they wanted basically dot all the i's and cross all the t's.  This was a mere formality, and we just needed to hold out until then and "we would prevail" she said.  So we went through a couple of excruciating weeks of more waiting.  We kept almost putting life on hold.  We kept telling our bosses that we may be out for a few weeks.  Nothing was sure.

May 9 came, and the SW called my husband.  She said everyone was on board but the GAL wanted an evidentiary hearing.  Apparently that means they need to go through everything with a fine tooth comb.  They were concerned because they wanted both girls to be together. So they wanted to hear what happened from the birthmom's perspective from the very beginning of her pregnancy.  There was a hearing schedule for June 21, she told us.  I was furious.  No one had told us this was a possibility.  I continually and annoyingly asked the attorney and the SW what could go wrong prior to this hearing.  I asked for all details - good and bad.  Both of them continued to tell me that though they couldn't promise anything, this was just something that had to be done.  On May 9, I was ready to back out of this adoption as well as adoption in the future.  I was so frustrated and tired of being dragged along.  I talked to the SW at length about possibly stepping back so that the girls could be together.  "We don't want to fight or rip a family apart" I said.  She told us things like "the sister is only 4, she doesn't make the decisions".  "Don't you want this baby?".  She made me feel like if we didn't take the baby, someone else would and the girls would still be split up.  In that case, we knew that if we ended up with the baby, we would do everything we could to keep the girls' relationship close.  So we decided to keep going. 

We did a pretty good job of ignoring the whole situation for a few weeks.  We tried to emotionally detach and focus on our family and friends and jobs.  As it was getting close to June 21, I began asking some questions.  We were told a lot of things.  The birthmom now wanted us to have both the baby and the four year old, were we willing to take her?  We said yes, though we knew that would be incredibly hard.  We were then asked to testify at the hearing.  That seemed off to us for a couple reasons.  First of all, we thought this was a hearing to hear from the birthmother.   Second, shouldn't they have known that a long time ago?  We reluctantly said okay.  Then, two days ago, I was asked for pictures of the nursery and videos of Alice talking about her little sister.  THEN I was told to be prepared and stay strong because this was going to be a fight.  The foster family wanted both girls and had pictures and videos.  And they weren't backing down.  Suddenly the guardian ad litem AND the state were against placement.  But they weren't earlier?  Lies.

WE DIDN'T WANT A FIGHT!  WE DON'T WANT TO RIP A FAMILY APART!  That was what we said from the first day this situation came back.  If the girls could be together, they should be.  I asked the SW what would happen if we backed down.  Would the girls stay together?  She said it was possible for another family to adopt them from the agency.  But my gut was telling me, that they would stay together if we stopped "fighting".  The SW told me that we were who the birthmom picked and again, "don't you want the baby?".  I asked if the foster parents were bad people.  She told me not necessarily, but they did "manipulate the birthmother into giving them the baby"

At that moment, I got all kinds of clarity.  This is not about us.  This is not about the birthmom.  This is about two little girls.  A four year old and her three and a half month old sister.  We were not going to be the people that ruined their relationship.  I stopped talking to the SW, though she continued sending me pictures of the baby (to convince me I guess?).  Mike and I talked at length about the situation, and decided that we were going to do the RIGHT thing and take ourselves out of the picture.  We slept on that decision, and thought it was a good one, but wanted to wait on a few more facts before we made the call.

Mike called the SW and told her we were done.  She was disappointed and surprised.  He then get a call from the attorney who basically told him that we were definitely not going to end up with the four year old and he was confident we would have "won" the case.  (Why we were even told about getting the four year old is not clear.  Someone lied or misinformed us).  So we would have ripped the sisters apart.  Mike thanked him for the information and told him we were at peace with our decision.

Through entirely separate sources, we were able to find out more information then anyone had given us during the entire four months we had been with this agency.  We found out the GAL was adamant on keeping the girls together and that the four year old WAS going to be adopted by the foster family.  So, there was no way we were ever going to get her.  Which meant...if we did get the baby, we were definitely separating the girls.  We also found out that the foster family has had the four year old since she was nine months old.  They have celebrated each of her birthdays with her.  She was, in no uncertain terms, their daughter.  And so was the baby.  The foster parents are good people who love those girls more than anything.  We got a few more details about the situation, and every detail made us feel better and better about our decision.

So...what will happen to the girls?  Well, from what we understand the hearing is cancelled.  For now, they will both be with the foster family.  And, hopefully, they will get to adopt both girls.  However, the adoption agency and birthmom could still continue to fight for the baby being adopted by another couple.  If that happens, and I hope it doesn't, it would be the birthmom and agency ruining the girls' relationship, not us.

As for us, we both feel completely at peace and happy with this decision.  We know our baby is out there.  We will continue to be on the list at Catholic Charities, and though it may take a while, it will happen.  And it will happen the RIGHT and HONEST way.

I've learned some important things from this situation:
1.  Go with your gut.  When the adoption agency FIRST called back in February about this situation, they wanted $26,000 basically the next day.  My gut told me that was sketchy, but we were told that was the only way we would get the baby, so we did it.  I would never do that again.  This agency took $26,000 and four months of our life.

2.  I should have been more of an advocate for me, my husband, and those girls.  I didn't realize talking to the birthmom or foster family during this process was an option.  If that could have happened two months ago, we wouldn't have ended up in this mess.

3.  Unfortunately, not everyone in the business of adoption is in it to help the children.  I am convinced that this agency preys on the desperation of adoptive parents.  And I am also convinced that we were lied to a whole lot so that the agency wouldn't end up losing money.  Now that we HAVE backed out, they are going to have to eat the lawyer fees, I am assuming.  Otherwise, we would have paid those.  How they could think splitting up siblings with NO GOOD REASON was acceptable, I don't know.  It breaks my heart.

4.  The most important lesson I have learned is that I am STRONG.  The me that started this journey is not the same me that I am now.  I have overcome heartbreak, loss, grief, dishonesty, anger, and many other things that no one should have to go through.  And I will continue to go through hard things in this process.  But now, I know without a doubt I can handle anything that comes my way.

I wish I could change the system.  I wish I could be an advocate for every child out there.  I can't.  BUT, I can do some things, and so can anyone reading this.  I am going to look into signing up to be a Guardian Ad Litem.  It is a volunteer position.  And then I will be an advocate for at least one child that doesn't otherwise have a voice.

I have also contacted someone to let them know that if the adoption agency does try to place the baby for adoption away from her sister, I will do anything to help fight it.  I WILL fight for the girls to stay together in this foster home.  I WILL stand up for those girls.

Thank you for reading and thank you for supporting me and my family.

Life Goes On

It has been a month since we got that phone call.  That horrible phone call.  While life has gone back to normal, for the most part, it's still different.  I am feeling much more myself, but there is a little part of my heart that will always belong to the little girl that didn't come home with us.

It's interesting.  Now that I have a pretty good head on my shoulders, I can look back at how I felt a few weeks ago and reflect on it.  I have to say that I am actually proud of the way I handled myself.  My first instinct when we got the news was to jump right back into work and my social life.  That would make me feel better, I thought.  But something in me couldn't do that.  I didn't need to feel better at that point.  What I needed to do was be heartbroken.  Angry.  Frustrated. Sad.  This was not a little thing that happened to me.  This was life-changing loss and grief.  I truly felt like I was drowning and I didn't know when or if I would come up for air.  I am proud that I reached out for help.  I talked to a therapist (and am still seeing her), and that has changed my life for the better already. 

I have been very lucky in my life.  I have not had to deal with trauma and loss really.  I have been through the loss of relatives, which, of course, is terribly sad.  I have been through the pain that comes with finding out I would never become pregnant.  But, overall, my life has been pretty happy.  This was the first time I experienced such significant heartbreak and sadness.  This was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  And I made it through.

Do I still think about that baby girl?  All the time. Do I become unbearably sad when I see someone holding a baby carrier?  Comforting a tiny baby?  Yes. 

Now what?  We aren't sure.  We lost an incredibly significant amount of money with this failed adoption.  We definitely won't be able to adopt with the same agency again as we can not afford it.  We are on the list at Catholic Charities still.  To be honest, though, I'm not ready.  I made it through that heartbreak once, but I don't know if I could do it again.  Maybe that was the world telling us Alice is supposed to be an only child?  I don't know.  What I do know is that now is the time we need to take care of each other.  Alice still asks about "Baby Wendy" sometimes.  And I've tried to explain it to her the best I can, but her three-year old brain doesn't grasp it.  She's not sad, necessarily, just confused.  So, right now, family time is the most important thing.  We have taken trips to Disney, a trip to the beach, spent time together watching movies, and just being together.  My family is my world and if it's just supposed to be the three of us, that's okay.

We have time.  We have a good life.  We have a great family.

Grief

I have been walking around like a zombie.  I have been wondering how it is possible to feel so much sadness and loss for a child that was never mine.  I have been thinking that I am overreacting.  Why do I need to miss work?  Why do I need to hide?  Will people think I am being ridiculous?  Dramatic? After all, I said I wasn't going to get excited.  I said I wasn't going to get attached.  I tried.  I prepared for this situation, even though it would never happen. It didn't matter.

Naturally, I am a happy extrovert.  I like to share news (good and bad) about myself with the people who care about me.  I am the first one to overshare and I am so open with my life.   I like to see people happy and excited.  I loved that my daughter was so ready for a little sister.  I loved that we were planning baby's first trip to Disney.

Do I regret any of that now?  A little.  Mostly, I wish I would have let myself feel the joy for a few weeks instead of so much worry.  I tried to guard myself by not feeling the excitement, but it didn't work anyway.  Now I feel so much pain.

What I keep reading is that this is like any grieving process - but not.  This is the grief of losing someone that still exists in the world. 

I keep thinking of what I SHOULD be doing right now.  I should be exhausted from being up all night with a newborn.  There should be piles of laundry and tons of dirty diapers.  Alice should be learning how to be a big sister.  Those things are happening - just not here.  With someone else.  I wonder what her name is.  I wonder what she will grow up to be like.  I will always wonder these things, and a part of me will always mourn this loss.


I have spent the few days reaching out to an adoption support group, to our local social worker, and to the internet.  I have googled the phrase "failed adoption" more times than I can count.
I have heard story after story from fellow adoptive moms that are just as heartbreaking and more heartbreaking than my own.  They have brought me some comfort.  That is why I am writing everything in this blog.  I am hoping that someday, maybe my words can bring a grieving adoptive mother or father a little comfort.  Maybe she will realize that she is not alone and that her feelings are VALID.


What I am trying to make myself believe now is this:  it's okay to feel the way I feel.  It IS the loss of a child.  It IS the loss of an idea of what our family was going to be.  I am NOT being dramatic.  I can feel and act however I want.  It IS okay for me to hide.  I hide behind words: text messages, facebook messages, e-mail.  That's how I am coping.  And I appreciate all the texts and messages that I have gotten - I truly do.  Don't stop.  Mike and I have an amazing support system. 

As I said, "everything happens for a reason", and maybe this reason is so someone else will read this one day and feel an ounce of comfort during this horrific time.

Heartbroken

I was gearing up to write a post about how nervous and excited and happy and scared I was.  Instead, I get to write this:

I see people post about failed adoptions all the time.  My heart has broken for those families over and over.  But now we are that family.  Failed. Adoption.  My heart is broken now, but for us.

Things had been going great over the past few weeks.  We had a few lunches and doctor appointments with the birthmom.  We joked around all the time.  She liked us.  We had a plan.  She wanted us in the delivery room.  I bought all the things to make her hospital stay more comfortable.  I loaded my ipad with her favorite shows.  The baby's room was ready.  We had new clothes, bottles, blankets.  We were ready.  Alice was SO excited to meet "her baby". 

But today, we got the call we never wanted.  Birthmom had changed her mind. Without going into specifics, there was only a TINY chance that she would change her mind.  But she did.  She had the baby a few days ago.  The baby is with a foster family right now (with her biological half-sister).  Birthmom is hoping she will be able to parent both children eventually.  Is there a chance things can change still?  Maybe.  That might be the hardest part.  I can't let go yet.

This is why I tried to stay neutral and tried to not get excited.  I tried not to attach myself to this baby.  Turns out, I was more attached than I thought.

I have cried.  I have stared into a room that should have a baby in it.  I've bagged up everything to return to stores tomorrow.  I've stopped planning for maternity leave.

I have all this sadness and all this anger.  But I have no one to blame it on.  I can't fault the mother for wanting to try to parent her child, even if I don't think it's the best choice. 

So for now, I let myself be sad.  I let myself be angry.  I let myself feel.

I have always said that everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that, even now.  I just want to know the reason.

Different

This week has been CRAZY!  On Tuesday, Alyce messaged to ask if we had a gender preference to which I said no.  And then she quickly said she had a situation that might be good for us.  I didn't get too excited and figured we would hear in a few days.  Well, on Wednesday, she told us it was between us and another family and she would know by the end of the day.  Again, I didn't get too excited.  After our faculty meeting, I went back in my classroom and looked at my phone and there it was. "YAY! SHE PICKED YOU!".  I couldn't believe it.  She. Picked. Us.  I was over the moon.

Then more information kept coming.  We were going to meet with the birthmom and attend her doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  We need to send in paperwork and a check.  We should get the birthmom a gift.  ALL OF THE THINGS!  It was all exciting and all things we were more than happy to do or plan to do.

But through all of this, I can't get over how different this is from Alice's situation.  Alice was so quick that there was never a thought of "will she change her mind?"  Are we going to get attached to the idea of a new baby and it get taken away from us?  Could I be mad if she changed her mind? Of course not.  How do you fault a mother for wanting to keep her child.  On top of the emotional worry, there is the practical worry.  Are we going to lose a ton of money?  If we do, would we even be able to afford to try again?  It is a lot of risk this time.

So what do I do?  I worry.  I talk to my friends until they are tired of hearing me, probably.  I keep myself busy.  I throw myself into decorating Alice's new room.

Don't get me wrong.  I am thrilled.  I can't wait.  I am SO HAPPY.  But, at this point, I have to guard my heart.

If all goes well, we will have a beautiful baby girl around March 4.

I truly hope so.

Second time around

Here we go again!

Though we announced this earlier in the year, we are on the list to adopt again!  YAY!

Lots of people have asked if it's much different this time.  The answer: YES!

To start with, we knew how the process worked and we knew who we were going to contact for our second adoption.  

So, we called Gerarlyn (our contact at Catholic Charities).  Since she already had all our information on file, the paperwork was minimal in comparison to last time.  So instead of four mountains of paperwork, we only had two. 😂  We finished the paperwork quickly and Geralyn was out to do our home study.  This was also a lot easier.  We have known Geralyn for four years and she just had to update our information.  There were no nerves on our part this time because we knew what was going on.  A few days later, we got word that our home study was approved.  Then, we started the most daunting part: our profile book.

How do you make a book marketing yourself and your family?  Not easily.  You want to make everything look perfect, but not fake.  Happy, but, again, not fake.  You want someone to look at your book and think "that's the family I want my baby to grow up in".  So, after several weeks of work, the book was finished and copies were ordered.

We sent copies to Geralyn and Alyce (who we got Alice from).  And now we wait.

If anyone reading this knew me before we adopted Alice, you know that the waiting part was nearly impossible for me.  I was an emotional wreck for a long time before we got Alice.

It is SO different this time.  I am NOT anxious.  I am NOT a nervous wreck.  I do NOT cry every night because I want a baby.  What I am is excited.  I KNOW it will happen.  And I know we will get the baby that is meant to be in our family.  

Thanks for reading, and thanks for caring. 💗

- Katie

"DNA doesn't make a family, love does." - The Fosters

Word of the year: Love.

I have been meaning to write a new post for some time now.  Being a mom has sure kept me busy!!! And I wouldn't have it any other way!  I can't believe we are getting ready to celebrate New Year's Eve with our sweet baby girl.  Just three months ago, I never thought this would happen.

Since this blog was primarily meant for adoption journey, I thought about ending it.  But, the adoption journey doesn't end when you get a baby.  So I thought I'd keep it up!  I'm sure I will always find things to write about.

How has life been since October 23?  Well, I'll tell you.

First of all, Mike, Alice, and I have been completely blown away by all the love and support we've had.  I will never forget walking into school on the morning of Friday, October 23.  It was like a celebration!  My Meadowbrook family was so happy for us.  There was happiness, tears, presents, cards, and so much love.  SO. MUCH. LOVE.




Mike and I traveled to Tampa to get our baby girl, and when we got home, Alice got to meet so many of our good friends!  Our house was like a revolving door that weekend!  There was so much love that weekend!

My parents got to meet Alice that weekend also.  And let's just say there were so many tears of joy!  Alice sure does love her Nana and Grandpa!

When they left, I was 100% ready to be a stay at home mom.  A few short days later, after lots of crying, I begged my mom to come back for a week.  She helped me immensely and got me more settled in a routine.

Alice got to meet Uncle Mike and Aunt Mary a few weeks later.  She enjoyed watching football with them!

That brings us to our baby shower.  There are no words to describe how loved and special we felt.  Even though it's a silly thing to worry about, one thing I was sad about after finding out I'd never get pregnant was that I wouldn't get to have a baby shower.  I know! it's so stupid! But, my amazing friends made sure that didn't happen.  My wonderful friends, Leigh and Melissa, planned a beautiful Alice in Wonderland themed shower.  It was more perfect then I ever could have imagined.  And the best part was that Alice got to be a part of it!  There were beautiful cupcakes that Amanda made, a fun headband making station that Carissa planned, and all kinds of other wonderful things.  Mostly, there was a ton of love! =)

          We got to travel to Georgia for Thanksgiving and Alice got to meet Aunt Sarah, Uncle John, Gracie, Andre, Penelope, Aunt Lisa, Grandmanana and Grandpa!  Her favorite thing was sleeping and cuddling with her cousin, Gracie.  And then we went to the Cecil house where she got to meet Aunt Di, Jaime, Aunt Jan, Arthur, and Denise.  What a fun time that was!  She even got to go to her first Georgia Tech Tailgate that week.



We came back to Gainesville and Alice watched her first Star Wars movie with Aunt Monica.  She also went to her first Christmas party with a bunch of her other aunts! Our handbell choir threw us a surprise baby shower a few weeks later. (We thought it was a Christmas party and had forgotten to bring a gift!)  So. Much. Love.

A few weeks later, we went back for Christmas and my best friend, Brishelle's baby shower where Alice got to meet Brishelle, Uncle Pat, and Aunt Joan.  She loved meeting everyone and can't wait to meet baby Jacob in a few months!  She also got to meet my oldest friend, Beckie!

And now, we are here.  New Year's Eve.  These last few months have felt like a dream.  In a few days, we go back to real life...with a baby!  I go back to work on Monday and Alice gets to go spend her days with Amanda, Lorelai, and Owen.  While I am one hundred percent comfortable with where she will be and who she will be with, leaving her will be hard.  Thankfully, I have wonderful friends at school who will be there for me =)

As I said, the word of this year has DEFINITELY been love.  As I sit here writing this, Mike, Alice, and Phoebe are all sleeping so soundly.  My heart is so full.  I can't wait for more love in 2016.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Until next time,

Alice's mommy

Alice Jane Malo

There are NO WORDS to describe the way I am feeling now.  Happy. Excited. Terrified. All of the feelings!!!!  There are little tiny onesies, socks, and blankets in my washing machine right now.  There are clean baby bottles in my kitchen.  There is a packed baby bag on my counter.  This is happening!!!!!!

Here is how it all went down:
We got a phone call from Brandon Family Law Center Thursday evening asking if our book could be shown to a woman who gave birth on Monday.  We, of course, said yes.  The adoption coordinator, Alyce, met with the woman yesterday at 4:00.  We got THIS PICTURE texted to us at 5:39 saying it was the first picture of our daughter!  We talked to Alyce, got some details, and then preceded lose our minds!  That was followed by a run to Melissa's to get all the things and a Target run to buy out the store =)

EVERYTHING that EVERYONE said was right.  THIS is meant to be.  The failed matches failed for a reason.  This is our perfect, beautiful, baby girl.  She is OURS.  We are parents.  I am a mom.  My life is changed completely.

We were BLOWN AWAY by all of the texts, phone calls, facebook posts, and everything else last night.  We have the best friends.  We have the best family.  I can't wait for you all to meet our girl.  I can't wait for US to meet our girl!!!!!

Until Next Time,
Katie (Mommy)

Everything Happens For a Reason....Right?

I just keep saying this over and over today.

Today marks the second situation we were considered for but were not chosen.

The first situation I spoke about in my last blog post.  We were told that we were a "really close second" choice for that birth mom.

This second situation, I was so sure about.  I had a feeling.  We received the e-mail for it on our anniversary.  It was a girl.  There were all these signs, I thought.  It was us and one other couple.  I knew we would be chosen.  I started making plans in my head.  I was ready for my life to change.

And then it didn't.

This was going to be a hard situation (the mother is addicted to drugs).  It was going to be weeks in the NICU, and other potential problems.  But we were ready.  We were ready.

And then, we got the e-mail..."Unfortunately, you were not chosen for this situation..."

I felt blindsided.  I feel so sad.

However; I KNOW our baby is out there.  And we definitely learned from this situation.  We learned that we are a little more open to non-perfect babies then we thought we were.

In the words of Walt Disney, we must "keep moving forward".

Thank goodness for the support network we have.

I am sad today.  I am allowed to be sad today.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I will be okay.  I know we will be amazing parents.  We will love this baby so much.  I even think we love our future baby a little more every time we are not chosen.

Until then, I will keep busy.  I will spend time with my friends.  I will lose myself in books and television shows.  I will enjoy my 800 children that I teach.  I will go to Disney.

I will keep moving forward...

Until next time,
Katie

"DNA doesn't make a family, love does." - The Fosters

The Ups and Downs

What a CRAZY last few days we've had.  We finished our profile book!!!!!!! We are really proud of the way it turned out.  It was really overwhelming to work on, but I think it turned out great.  Hopefully it is an accurate depiction of our life.

I e-mailed our book to Geralyn and got a response from her almost immediately asking me to call her about a possible situation.  (I was totally freaking out).  There are a set of birth parents looking for a musical family for their child to grow up in. Geralyn said we were the most musical family she had.  So, I had our book rush shipped to these birth parents' adoption counselor.  This is a unique situation because normally, we wouldn't even know someone was looking at our book.  Hopefully, we will hear something next week (if we are picked to meet them), otherwise, we just assume we weren't picked.  It will really depend on what is most important to the birth parents.  Some of the other things they are looking for in adoptive parents don't really fit us, but we will see.

I guess this really will be a roller coaster.  I have been convincing myself for the past few days that they WILL pick us and that they WON'T pick us.  Even if they DO pick us, they still have the option to parent their child.  I am a big believer in signs, karma, energy, and those kind of things.  And in the last few days, there have been so many signs that (to me) mean we are getting a baby.  The biggest one being a coworker telling me she had a dream that Mike and I announced we were getting a baby boy.  That one really freaked me out (in a good way)!  My Disney day by day calendar was Dumbo yesterday (that's the theme we will use for the baby's room), Mike had the word "adopt" in a crossword puzzle, there was a question about adoption on Jeopardy, and a few other little signs.  You may think I'm crazy, and I am trying not to get my hopes up, but these little signs are giving me hope that this will workout.

The more I think about it, the more this whole thing is kind of crazy.  When you are pregnant, you know you have about nine months and then you get a baby.  With adoption, you could wait a few days, weeks, months, years, and then get a baby with or without much notice.  Even if you are matched, the birth mom has 48 hours after she delivers to change her mind.

Because of this, Mike and I have decided not to get anything we need for a baby until we have a baby in our arms.  Luckily, we have so many amazing friends and family members, that I think we will have people showing up to our house with everything we need almost immediately.

I am not actually publishing this post until this particular possible adoption situation is a little more resolved, but I wanted to write about what was going on right now.

Thank you EVERYONE for your incredible kindness and support!

Until next time...

Katie
"DNA doesn't make a family, love does" - The Fosters

How?

I do not know how people go through this process without losing their sanity.

There's been a lot going on over the past few weeks.

We were given several other places to contact about adoption through a friend of mine who has adopted five children.  So...we did that.  We now have our book with several other attorneys and St. Gerard Campus in St. Augustine.

Nothing happened for a while and then I was contacted by St. Gerard Campus about a potential birth mom who was going to look at our book, but they didn't have our book (they only had an electronic copy).  I rush-shipped a book to them only to not hear anything for a few days.  Then I heard that they got our book and she would look at it soon.  At this point, I was under the impression it was just our book.  Today, I was informed a birth mom is looking at our book and two others and then she will choose one "soon".  Soon.  What does that mean?

How am I supposed to function without anxiously awaiting a phone call or e-mail?

This is hard.

This is the exact reason that I told our social worker at Catholic Charities to not tell me if someone is looking at our book unless it is necessary.  If she does not choose us, I will be devastated.  I will feel rejected.  I will think we aren't good enough.  People can tell me all day long that it just isn't the right fit, and this isn't what's supposed to happen, and all of the other things that people say.  I will still feel terrible.

On the other hand, if we do get picked, this woman is not due until January.  That is a long time.  She could change her mind.  She could change her mind more than once.  Who would fault her?  No mother should be faulted for wanting to keep her child.

If she picks us, how do I not become attached instantly to the baby?

It's so hard.

I know it will all be worth it.  I know that in two years, I will look back at this post and wonder why I felt so sorry for myself.  I know our baby is out there finding its way to us.  I know all of the things.  My brain knows all of the things.  My heart doesn't.

Because I have been so emotional and things have been so hard, I have been feeling the need to "nest".  Man did that alleviate some anxiety!  Maybe I just need to do more of that all the time?  Here are pictures of the nursery so far:

Writing also alleviates the anxiety.  I'm glad I decided to write this all down.  Hopefully someone out there in cyberspace reads it and understands what I'm going through.  Actually, my real hope is that someone reads this and is happy that someone else understands the way they feel.  

Surely, more people than just me going through this process are asking "how?".  How do people do it?  How am I supposed to feel?  How am I FINALLY going to feel when it all comes together and our baby is with us? 

In the mean time, send happy thoughts our way!

Until next time,

Katie

"DNA doesn't make a family, love does." - The Fosters

Profile Book!

Mike and Katie Hope to Adopt!

Katiemmalo@yahoo.com

Happy Birthday, Blog!

You know how on Facebook, it shows you your memories of what happened a year or two years or a billion years ago in your life?  Today, it told me that I wrote my first blog post a year ago.  So, I thought now would be a good time for an update.

There actually isn't much to say, but here goes.

I can't believe it has been a year since we started this process.  It's amazing how fast time goes, but also how slow it can feel when you are waiting on something life-changing to happen.  For a year, my heart has jumped every time my phone has rung.  For a year, I have been nervously checking my e-mail every chance I get.  For a year, I have been wondering, dreaming, and worrying about being a mom.  For a year, I have been watching person after person get pregnant and wondered when it will be my turn.  For a year, I have woken up every day wondering if this will be the day we get "the call".

It has been really interesting living in this constant state of not knowing.  

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was matched and took her baby home.  This happening to her and the message she sent to me after really renewed my faith in this whole system.  I was in a bit of a depression after not hearing anything at all for several months.  I see how happy she is, though, and I know that will be me soon enough.

It has almost been a year since our home study, and we just moved.  So, we have to do more paperwork! (Yay...)  We need to get two background checks, fingerprints, medical records, financial records, and updates from our references.  All of that expires after a year.  After we have filled out all the paperwork, Geralyn will come back out for a visit to our new house.  In the mean time, if someone chooses us, it won't stop the process or anything.  We would just have to do things quickly!

Since we are in a new (bigger) house, we actually have a room just dedicated to future baby!  This means we can turn it in to a nursery without dismantling a guest room.  Before school starts, I'd really like to have a nursery set up so that when we get the call, it is one less thing we have to be stressed about.

Thankfully, I have some great friends who have helped by supplying us with a car seat, baby monitor, boppy, hanging swing, play set thing...all kinds of things!  Of course, my mom gets us stuff all the time that will be really helpful when the time comes! =)  Mike and I are really lucky with some amazing family and friends who have been and continue to be so supportive during this process.  

There is one thing that I know for sure:  this baby will be loved by SO many people.

That makes me smile.

Until next time,

Katie

"DNA doesn't make a family, love does" - The Fosters

Six Months ~ A Thousand Years

As of April 6, 2015; we have officially been on the waiting list for six months.  In most adoption cases, this isn't a long time to be waiting.  The average adoption through Catholic Charities takes two years.  That being said, I really thought that we would be only waiting a few months.  I figured..."a teacher and an engineer who love Disney!?  Who WOULDN'T pick us!?"  While I know that we will get picked and I am not REALLY in any hurry, I still find myself with hurt feelings.  I know our book has been looked at a few times.  But, obviously, we were not picked.  I find myself wondering and wondering why they didn't pick us.  I look at our book over and over trying to find something that someone didn't like.  The logical side of my brain KNOWS that we will get picked.  It WILL happen.  Everything happens for a reason.  That's my belief in life.  I just have to keep reminding myself.

On another note, I have talked to several people about possibly adopting in the future.  It makes me SO HAPPY to be able to help other people, even just a little. Infertility is heartbreaking.  Period.  Adoption is a wonderful thing.  It's also difficult and trying.   But, if I can help anyone even the tiniest bit, that feeds right into my "everything happens for a reason" philosophy.

I am also catching up with an old friend this upcoming weekend who is going through the adoption process as well!  I can't wait.  It will be so nice to talk to someone who is in my same situation.  She understands.

I have considered myself an expectant mother since October.  Lately, I've realized that expectant adoptive mothers go through "pregnancy brain" as well!  I am one of the most organized people I know.  And recently, I have been misplacing things, spacey, etc...  After some research, I realized that it is completely normal for an adoptive mother to go through this.  Thank God.  I am normal.  I am not physically pregnant, but my brain and heart are preparing for a child.  All my feelings are valid.

Lastly, I was on my way home from school today feeling especially down,  and this song came on.  I am convinced that THIS SONG came on for a reason. <3  This how I imagine I will feel when the time comes and we are given a child.

Until Next Time,
Katie


A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

The day we met,
Frozen I held my breath
Right from the start
I knew that I'd found a home for my heart...
... beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more...

I'll love you for a thousand more...

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more 

Okay.

It's been a LONG time.  The reason for that is simple:  not much is going on and I felt silly updating every time something small happened.  So last time I updated was in September and I was feeling very sorry for myself and having a hard time being patient.  My emotions have since normalized (I think).

The situation I wrote about in my last post that we heard about and thought we were being considered for obviously did not amount to us getting a baby.  After lots of nothing, we found out the birth mom decided to parent without looking at anyone's book.  This was very upsetting at first.  Then, I thought of reasons it wasn't upsetting:

1.  How can I be upset with a mother who decides to keep her child?

2.  At least she didn't look at our book and decide we weren't good enough.

3.  Were we ready?  Probably not.  We obviously could have been if we got picked, but I think this is better.

4.  That's not OUR baby.  =)

After that whole situation, I began to get used to waiting.  Don't get me wrong, my heart still skips a beat every time I get an e-mail from Geralyn or a phone call from an unknown number.  The disappointment every time it's not "the call" becomes a bit easier.

We went to our adoption class in December.  I had no idea what to expect from this.  Wasn't sure if it was a parenting class or what.  It was really a class about the hardships of adoption, adoption from the birth parents' points of view, and other emotional stuff.  It was really worthwhile, in my opinion.  A few adoptive families spoke about their experiences and it's crazy how different each experience can be.  I had not spent a lot of time thinking about how this process will be for the birth parents.  They will be in our lives forever as well.  What a crazy realization that was.  One of the best things was this video!!! (Check it out, you won't be sorry.  It'll give you a good laugh)

Christmas was great!  I tried to take advantage of it being our last (hopefully) Christmas without a child ;-).  My Mom got me a few baby things here and there, which made me happy! AND Aunt Jan and Aunt Di bought presents for future baby Malo: a painting to go in baby's room and some awesome books.  That warmed my heart more than they will ever know.

We got an update from Geralyn last week and it sounds like we have moved up the waiting list 11 spots because 11 families took babies home over the past 6 months.  A lot of the placements have been with 48 hour notice or less.  That is so crazy to wrap my mind around, but that very well could be the way it happens.  And that's okay.

As for now, we are enjoying life as two adults without chlidren.  We have several trips planned and are going out as often as we want, sleeping a lot, and enjoying this chapter of our life that is (hopefully) coming to a close soon.  My heart still yearns for my future baby when I am around my friends and their babies, or when I see a cute baby at the mall, or especially when I see adorable toddlers at Disney experiencing it for the first time.

But...I'm okay.  It will be us soon enough.  Our baby is out there.

Until next time...

Katie

"DNA doesn't make a family, love does" - The Fosters

Crazy.

I've been holding off publishing anything on here lately because all it would have been is a "poor me" entry.  I hate feeling sorry for myself.  I REALLY do.  There are so many more people out there with WAY worse situations than mine.  That being said, one of my original goals for this blog was to accurately depict the adoption journey.  So.  Here I go.

I have felt like a crazy person for the last few weeks.  We have our profile book turned in and are officially "on the list".  The problem is that now we wait.  We. Just. Wait. I'm not a very patient person.  I want to be actively doing things to help the process move along.  There is literally NOTHING I can do.

We became aware of a potential situation before we even turned our books in.  That really had my adrenaline going!  And then we didn't hear anything.  At all.  So I'm assuming we weren't picked.  That's a whole different set of emotions.  I feel like we aren't good enough or something in our book wasn't right or we aren't religious enough or we like Disney too much or a trillion other things.  In my logical brain, I know this is not correct.  I KNOW someone will pick us.  I KNOW I have no idea what makes a birth mom choose a potential family.  I KNOW all of that.  The problem is that my heart is not getting the message and I literally feel pain in my heart.

Thankfully, I found a domestic adoption support group on Facebook.  This has been the BEST thing to happen to me recently.  It has made me realize that I know that everything I am feeling is normal.  I also know that there are people out there feeling the EXACT same way that I do.  I have tons of people saying that it is worth it in the end.  I believe all of that and it does give me comfort.

My heart still hurts though.

I had been completely against buying anything for our future baby.  Like, COMPLETELY against it.  But one of the pieces of advice I got from the support group WAS to buy things for my future child.  (This then led to an internal battle of sticking to my guns or going against my initial decision).  Thankfully, my mom and husband love me very much and put up with crazy me last weekend.  We all went shopping and bought a few things that are sitting in a box in our office:

This made me feel SO much better.  This is my only way of actively doing something  to help the process.  It won't make anything happen faster, but at some point we WILL get a baby and we WILL use this stuff.  This will have to work as my coping mechanism for the next....however long it takes. Other great coping mechanisms include red wine, brownies, and Shonda Rhimes ;-)

One of the reasons the heartache has been so hard for me is because I am a happy person!  Anyone you ask would tell you that I am smiling, laughing, and making jokes most of the time (at least I think).  Being sad is a new thing for me.  

All of the "poor me" aside, I am SO thankful for some of the people I have in my life.  I have read horror stories about people who are going to adopt who are treated like some kind of lepers!  I may not be pregnant, but I am still an expectant mother.  Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to say that I go through any of the morning sickness, swollen ankles, or physical pain and changes that a pregnant expectant mother goes through.  But, I am going through all kinds of emotions.  The difference emotionally is that my expectancy doesn't stop at nine months necessarily. I have to deal with these emotions for who knows how long.  I KNOW that being a pregnant expectant mother is insanely hard and I will never understand how that feels.  But it's nice to know that some people understand that I'm going through stuff too.

Besides all the sadness, so many things have made me smile this week:

1.  My students.  As much as they drive me crazy, they never cease to make me smile every day.

2.  People in my life who care.  When talking on our hospitality committee at school about baby shower planning, one member saying "and we will have a shower for you when you get a baby too!"

3.  My friend at school constantly reminding me that I am an expectant mother, assuring me that my emotions are normal, and being a shoulder to lean on and cry on all the time.  AND I love our thirty second dance parties =)

4.  The facebook support group I found.  I mean...that has completely changed my life.

5.  My husband.  While sometimes my husbands lack of anxiety toward this situation frustrates me, he is my rock and if he were worried like me, it would be a terrible thing ;-)  Also, he puts up with me and my craziness.

6.  My dog.  She knows just when I need her to sit on my lap and give me kisses.

7.  My mom visiting.  Even though she probably didn't know it, it made a world of difference to have my mom here.


I know this was a little bit of a bummer of a post; but, like I said, I want this to be an accurate depiction of my journey.  If one person going through the adoption process reads this post and thinks "it's not just me!!!", then I think I have done my job.

Until next time...

Katie
"DNA doesn't make a family, love does" - The Fosters

Profile Book so far....

Click here to view this photo book larger

The new way to make a photo album: photo books by Shutterfly.

Check Check Check!

We are checking things off the adoption list left and right!  It's been a while since I posted, but there wasn't really much to post.

ALL of our paperwork is turned in!!!!!!!

Mike and I each had our individual meetings with Geralyn.  These were pretty intense!  I met with her first and she asked me a whole bunch of questions about EVERYTHING.  My family, his family, drug use, alcohol use, religion, medical histories, etc.  I, of course, had nothing to hide, but I felt like I was being interrogated!  I know that's what has to be done, though :-)  The worst thing about this was that I couldn't talk to Mike about it until after he had his meeting.  She wants to make sure our answers match up.  Thank God I went first.  It would have been really hard for Mike to go first and not tell me.  I would have tried really hard to make him tell me ;-)

At the end of Mike's appointment, Geralyn set up our home inspection for yesterday.  I was incredibly nervous and anxious all week about this.  I knew all along we would do fine, but I tend to be a worrier.  In fact, Thursday night, I decided that a spring wreath on our door just wouldn't do.  I should make a fall wreath.  I didn't do it though.  I decided to come home and unwind with a glass of wine instead.  Good choice!

Geralyn was supposed to come at 9:00, but it kept getting pushed back and she ended up coming at about 1:00.  This made for an anxious morning of sitting around waiting.  I made some cinnamon coffee cake so our house would smell delicious :-)

When she got here, we all sat around the table so she could ask us any questions she had about our paperwork.  She talked to us a little more about our religious beliefs (this seems to be the hardest thing for Mike and me to articulate).  It doesn't matter to her what our beliefs are, but she has to be able to type up something specific in our report.  We talked about some different situations we may be open to (birth parents having mental illnesses, race, etc.).  Then, she asked a bunch of questions about our home and told us things that we already knew:  outlets have to be covered, medication and cleaning supplies have to be put so a kid can't reach it, we need to put a gate around our firepit, we should get chimes for the doors, and so on.  Obviously, none of this will matter until we have a toddler, but it's great to be prepared!  We took her on a tour around our house (which was super clean, thanks to my amazing husband!).  She just needed to check to make sure we have hot water, no loose wires, food in the fridge, and other stuff like that.  Phoebe was a perfect dog the whole time, too!  At the end of the visit, she gave us the good news....

WE ARE APPROVED!

As soon as we finish our profile book, we will be on a list and could get a baby at ANY TIME!

This is so exciting and terrifying at the same time!  Normally, parents have nine months to prepare for a baby.  We could wait a month or we could wait two years, we just don't know.  Even when we are selected by a birth mother, we still can't prepare too much in case she changes her mind.

It's weird, but I really fell like an expectant mother (emotionally, not physically).  I have been thinking about my future baby a lot.  Mike and I have been discussing the baby's room, names, and all kinds of other fun stuff.

Now, about that profile book...

This is definitely the hardest part of this whole thing for me.  This is what the birth mothers will look at to CHOOSE her child's future parents.  Luckily, if you know my husband, he tends to not freak out...like...ever.  So even though this is worrying me a ton, he has been able to help me through it and we got a lot done yesterday.  I will post later or tomorrow the progress of our books and would love opinions on it!

Until next time...

Katie
"DNA doesn't make a family, love does" - The Fosters