Anxiety.

I saw this picture while scrolling through instagram the other day.  It made me think of how often someone's experiences can comfort someone else.  It can make someone feel normal.  It can make someone feel not alone.  It can ease someone's fear.

If you know me, you know that I am NOT private.  I do NOT get embarrassed. I am the FIRST one to make fun of myself and my "issues".  And I am QUITE the oversharer.

Well.  I found the one thing that I DO get embarrassed by.  Anxiety attacks.

If you are rolling your eyes or thinking I am being overdramatic, then this post isn't for you.  I already worry about people talking about my writing and thinking I'm being dumb.  Just don't read it then.

While this is not necessarily a post about adoption, a lot of people going through the adoption process deal with quite a bit of anxiety.  I've dealt with anxiety since I was in college.  I've only had a few anxiety attacks in my life.  To someone without anxiety, I know how it sounds.  "Just calm down, it's not that bad."  "Take a deep breath." "Don't be so dramatic, everything is fine."  If it were that easy, we would just do that.

A little over a month ago, I had the worst two anxiety attacks I've had in my life.  While I was going through them, I googled everything I could think of to find someone with the same symptoms:  "what does an anxiety attack feel like?" "anxiety attack for no reason."  "Walk me through an anxiety attack."  I found plenty of scientific responses and medical responses, but not many stories I could relate to.  I am hoping to be someone's story to relate to.  I'm just going to write this as best I can.

For a few days; I was having shortness of breath, chest pain, and some tingling in my left arm.  Obviously this worried me.  It wasn't bad enough that I felt like I needed to go to the ER, so I talked to my mom and a friend of mine who both deal with anxiety.  They assured me that's what it was.  The problem with having anxiety is that those symptoms are the same symptoms that happen during an anxiety attack.  In the past, I could pinpoint exactly why I was having an anxiety attack.  That's what seemed weird about this one - I didn't feel stressed or anxious about anything in particular - except for my symptoms now. Over the next few days, everything started feeling worse.  And one evening, this is what happened.

This is the really embarrassing part for me..... the things I was thinking that sound absurd.  Here are the thoughts that went through my head:  Am I going to be that rare case of a 34 year old who dies of a heart attack?  Should I go to the ER?  Alice is going to live without a mother because I didn't go to the ER.  If I go to the ER, will they think I am dumb?  I am 98% sure that I am having an anxiety attack, but what if it's not?!  If someone could tell me for sure it was anxiety, I would feel better.  Mike is out of town, so if I die in my sleep, no one will be here and Alice will find me.

This is where I don't think people that don't have anxiety understand.  As I type that, it sounds stupid to me in THIS moment.  But when your body is acting out of the ordinary and you're scared, all of those thoughts are 100% real and absolutely terrifying.

Well, as you can imagine, thinking those thoughts makes everything worse.  I couldn't catch my breath, I was crying, and my heart was beating out of my chest.  I called a friend to take me to the ER.  Luckily, they didn't make me feel stupid.  They tested everything as if I was having a heart attack.  They gave me some medicines to calm me down and ease my anxiety.  About an hour later, I was much calmer.  They ran all kinds of labs to be SURE it was anxiety.  They also recommended I see a cardiologist, just to be safe (or to ease my anxiety - not sure which).  I went home and took more medication to continue easing my anxiety and went to bed.

The next evening, the same exact thing happened again.  The same thoughts:  What id they missed something at the ER?  What if it's really a heart attack this time?  

Again, I was terrified and hysterical.

But this time, I was able to have a friend come over to take my blood pressure and pulse and help take care of Alice while I took medication to feel better.  She ensured me that I was okay and nothing was wrong with my heart and, again, it was anxiety.

So what did cause these?  I still don't know.  It could be from ongoing trauma/depression from our failed adoption situation in March that I was unaware was even there.  It could be from the stress of waiting for our second adoption.  It could have nothing to do with adoption at all.  I have no idea.

Since both of these attacks happened, I have tried to take care of myself as best I can.  I think that tends to be the problem with anxiety sometimes.  People think they are being stupid and, in retrospect, maybe don't see it as big of a deal.  So, they don't get help.  They don't get medication.  And when it happens again, it's worse.  

I am not ashamed to say that I take anxiety medicine every day.  It's such a taboo thing in society, and people are so worried about being seen as weak or stupid or dramatic (including me).  It needs to not be.  

I hope that someone who needs to read this finds it.  If I could have found a blog like this, it might have helped me.  Or it might not have.  But I would have known I was not alone.

Again,  I didn't write this to be dramatic.  I didn't write this for anyone to even tell me they read it.  I wrote the story of the mountain I climbed (am climbing) in hopes to be a page in someone's survival guide.  

Why?

That has been my question for the past few weeks while we have been completing the paperwork to renew our homestudy.  This will be the fourth time we have been through this process.  Fingerprints, background checks, references, medical forms, financial information, forms upon forms upon forms, and more money.

Why do some people get to expand their families so easily and some not?

I hear stories every day of parents that don't deserve to be parents.

Why do they get to be?

All summer, it was so easy for me. "Out of sight, out of mind" I guess.  If we got a call about a baby, GREAT; but if we didn't, no big deal.  I, honestly, hardly gave it any thought during the summer at all.

Why am I having such a hard time now?

I have been IN MY HEAD for the past few weeks.  Look at me and wonder why I am staring off into space?  Was I short with you for no reason at all?  I am in my head.  The wheels won't stop turning.

Why am I CONSTANTLY in my head?

Finally, I figured it out.  I am SO MAD.  Maybe I should be completely over what happened to us a few months ago.  And I am.  I really have moved on.  I am completely at peace with the decision we made, and still think it was the best for all parties involved.  But.  I am MAD at the way we were treated by the birthmom.  I am SO MAD at the way we were treated by the social worker and agency.  I am MAD at the way the BIRTHMOTHER was treated.  I am MOST MAD about the way an innocent child and her four year old sister were treated.  What's worse is that I have had several people contact me from facebook support groups with similar situations.  No one is looking out for the children.  No one is looking out for the adoptive parents.

I guess filling out forms and planning our home visit just brought back all the feelings.  I thought I was done with those.

Why am I so bitter?

I found an adoption consultant company through facebook that sounds AMAZING.  They have a special program with Florida families where no money has to be paid until a match is made.  And then, $1,000 is paid.  I thought, "Sure!  We can do that!  No problem!".  And then I found out that the majority of the adoption situations they find cost $30,000-$50,000.  Well, we can't afford that.  Why?  Because we lost $26,000 six months ago to a terrible adoption agency.  That's why I am bitter.  We are missing out on opportunities because of that agency being so horrible.  We aren't poor by any means. But that's a huge risk to take again.

Luckily, the woman who runs the adoption consultant company heard our story and wanted to help.  So, she still put us on their list and will contact us if any situation comes up that is more within our budget.  That's something.

I'm still not in a hurry to get a baby.  I'm not upset and desperate like I was before we got Alice.  I don't NEED a baby now.  I WANT a little sibling for Alice.  She asks us every so often when her baby is coming.  She wants to take her baby to school to show her friends and teachers.  I have watched friends get pregnant and give birth since the last time we filled out our home study.  I am SO happy for them.  SO HAPPY.  But, I still get to wonder "why".

If you've read any part of my blog, you know I'm a big proponent of everything happening for a reason.  And I truly believe that.  Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time mentally right now. I'm having a hard time seeing the "why".

I love my life.  I love my family.  I love my friends.  I love my job.  I have a great life. 

But that doesn't mean my life is perfect.  I feel the way I feel. 

I was hoping writing this blog would help me get out of my head a little.  I think it has.  While I am writing this, I think about what my therapist told me.  Grief doesn't just stop.  It shows up when you least expect it.  Sometimes in strange ways.  I guess that's what is happening.  I thought grief didn't apply to me anymore since we made the decision for ourselves to not fight for that baby girl. But, literally, as I am typing, I realize that we still lost something.  I can still grieve that.  I AM still grieving that loss.  And, it has made me much stronger.  But, it's okay to not be strong all the time and to let the grief back in.  Today I am not strong.  Today, I am mad.  I am bitter.  I am wondering why?

Tomorrow, though.  Tomorrow will be better.

I really hope that the next time I write in this blog, it is full of good news.

The Important Things

I'm going to preface this post with a few things:
1.  It's going to be a long one...a lot has gone on over the last two months.
2.  Mike and I are fine and happy. =)
3.  I struggled with even writing this post.  I didn't know what the point was.  All of the mess that has gone on has basically put us right where we started.  BUT then I reread my first post EVER and why I wanted to write this blog.  I hoped this blog would help just one person.  And maybe someone can read this post and decide to handle things differently then we did or advocate for themselves more.  Or maybe someone will read it and relate....just a little.

So, here goes.

On April 11, I had my last therapy session.  I was feeling back to my normal self.  I was moving past the failed adoption.  I felt happy again.  I told my therapist I would call her when I needed her.  And life was moving on!  We had sent our profile books to an adoption lawyer in town and were back on the list at Catholic Charities.

On April 17, I came home from dinner to a very concerned-looking Mike.  He had just gotten off the phone with our social worker from the agency who gave him the news that the birthmom (same one we had been through the failed adoption with) had changed her mind and wanted us to have the baby after all.  We were shocked.  We had just closed that chapter.  But maybe this was meant to be after all.  Mike asked her what could possibly go wrong, and she told us that there was a small chance the foster family that had the baby and the baby's four year old sister could fight and would cause DCF to disagree with the placement.  BUT, she said, it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY.  We are hoping you will have her by the weekend, she said.

A few days of waiting went by.  I was told to talk to the attorney assigned to our case.  So, I called him, and he told me it would definitely be more than a few days.  He said that a bunch of people (DCF, the guardian ad litem (GAL), the District Attorney, etc) had to sign off.  He said he does these cases all the time, and they always turn out in favor of the adoptive couple.  I asked about the concern of the four year old and the baby staying together and he said she's only four, there hasn't been much bonding yet, it shouldn't be a problem.

A few more days of waiting went by and we got a message from our SW "the hearing is scheduled for May 9 at 3:00."  WHAT?  What hearing?!  Did someone object?  She told us no one objected, but they wanted basically dot all the i's and cross all the t's.  This was a mere formality, and we just needed to hold out until then and "we would prevail" she said.  So we went through a couple of excruciating weeks of more waiting.  We kept almost putting life on hold.  We kept telling our bosses that we may be out for a few weeks.  Nothing was sure.

May 9 came, and the SW called my husband.  She said everyone was on board but the GAL wanted an evidentiary hearing.  Apparently that means they need to go through everything with a fine tooth comb.  They were concerned because they wanted both girls to be together. So they wanted to hear what happened from the birthmom's perspective from the very beginning of her pregnancy.  There was a hearing schedule for June 21, she told us.  I was furious.  No one had told us this was a possibility.  I continually and annoyingly asked the attorney and the SW what could go wrong prior to this hearing.  I asked for all details - good and bad.  Both of them continued to tell me that though they couldn't promise anything, this was just something that had to be done.  On May 9, I was ready to back out of this adoption as well as adoption in the future.  I was so frustrated and tired of being dragged along.  I talked to the SW at length about possibly stepping back so that the girls could be together.  "We don't want to fight or rip a family apart" I said.  She told us things like "the sister is only 4, she doesn't make the decisions".  "Don't you want this baby?".  She made me feel like if we didn't take the baby, someone else would and the girls would still be split up.  In that case, we knew that if we ended up with the baby, we would do everything we could to keep the girls' relationship close.  So we decided to keep going. 

We did a pretty good job of ignoring the whole situation for a few weeks.  We tried to emotionally detach and focus on our family and friends and jobs.  As it was getting close to June 21, I began asking some questions.  We were told a lot of things.  The birthmom now wanted us to have both the baby and the four year old, were we willing to take her?  We said yes, though we knew that would be incredibly hard.  We were then asked to testify at the hearing.  That seemed off to us for a couple reasons.  First of all, we thought this was a hearing to hear from the birthmother.   Second, shouldn't they have known that a long time ago?  We reluctantly said okay.  Then, two days ago, I was asked for pictures of the nursery and videos of Alice talking about her little sister.  THEN I was told to be prepared and stay strong because this was going to be a fight.  The foster family wanted both girls and had pictures and videos.  And they weren't backing down.  Suddenly the guardian ad litem AND the state were against placement.  But they weren't earlier?  Lies.

WE DIDN'T WANT A FIGHT!  WE DON'T WANT TO RIP A FAMILY APART!  That was what we said from the first day this situation came back.  If the girls could be together, they should be.  I asked the SW what would happen if we backed down.  Would the girls stay together?  She said it was possible for another family to adopt them from the agency.  But my gut was telling me, that they would stay together if we stopped "fighting".  The SW told me that we were who the birthmom picked and again, "don't you want the baby?".  I asked if the foster parents were bad people.  She told me not necessarily, but they did "manipulate the birthmother into giving them the baby"

At that moment, I got all kinds of clarity.  This is not about us.  This is not about the birthmom.  This is about two little girls.  A four year old and her three and a half month old sister.  We were not going to be the people that ruined their relationship.  I stopped talking to the SW, though she continued sending me pictures of the baby (to convince me I guess?).  Mike and I talked at length about the situation, and decided that we were going to do the RIGHT thing and take ourselves out of the picture.  We slept on that decision, and thought it was a good one, but wanted to wait on a few more facts before we made the call.

Mike called the SW and told her we were done.  She was disappointed and surprised.  He then get a call from the attorney who basically told him that we were definitely not going to end up with the four year old and he was confident we would have "won" the case.  (Why we were even told about getting the four year old is not clear.  Someone lied or misinformed us).  So we would have ripped the sisters apart.  Mike thanked him for the information and told him we were at peace with our decision.

Through entirely separate sources, we were able to find out more information then anyone had given us during the entire four months we had been with this agency.  We found out the GAL was adamant on keeping the girls together and that the four year old WAS going to be adopted by the foster family.  So, there was no way we were ever going to get her.  Which meant...if we did get the baby, we were definitely separating the girls.  We also found out that the foster family has had the four year old since she was nine months old.  They have celebrated each of her birthdays with her.  She was, in no uncertain terms, their daughter.  And so was the baby.  The foster parents are good people who love those girls more than anything.  We got a few more details about the situation, and every detail made us feel better and better about our decision.

So...what will happen to the girls?  Well, from what we understand the hearing is cancelled.  For now, they will both be with the foster family.  And, hopefully, they will get to adopt both girls.  However, the adoption agency and birthmom could still continue to fight for the baby being adopted by another couple.  If that happens, and I hope it doesn't, it would be the birthmom and agency ruining the girls' relationship, not us.

As for us, we both feel completely at peace and happy with this decision.  We know our baby is out there.  We will continue to be on the list at Catholic Charities, and though it may take a while, it will happen.  And it will happen the RIGHT and HONEST way.

I've learned some important things from this situation:
1.  Go with your gut.  When the adoption agency FIRST called back in February about this situation, they wanted $26,000 basically the next day.  My gut told me that was sketchy, but we were told that was the only way we would get the baby, so we did it.  I would never do that again.  This agency took $26,000 and four months of our life.

2.  I should have been more of an advocate for me, my husband, and those girls.  I didn't realize talking to the birthmom or foster family during this process was an option.  If that could have happened two months ago, we wouldn't have ended up in this mess.

3.  Unfortunately, not everyone in the business of adoption is in it to help the children.  I am convinced that this agency preys on the desperation of adoptive parents.  And I am also convinced that we were lied to a whole lot so that the agency wouldn't end up losing money.  Now that we HAVE backed out, they are going to have to eat the lawyer fees, I am assuming.  Otherwise, we would have paid those.  How they could think splitting up siblings with NO GOOD REASON was acceptable, I don't know.  It breaks my heart.

4.  The most important lesson I have learned is that I am STRONG.  The me that started this journey is not the same me that I am now.  I have overcome heartbreak, loss, grief, dishonesty, anger, and many other things that no one should have to go through.  And I will continue to go through hard things in this process.  But now, I know without a doubt I can handle anything that comes my way.

I wish I could change the system.  I wish I could be an advocate for every child out there.  I can't.  BUT, I can do some things, and so can anyone reading this.  I am going to look into signing up to be a Guardian Ad Litem.  It is a volunteer position.  And then I will be an advocate for at least one child that doesn't otherwise have a voice.

I have also contacted someone to let them know that if the adoption agency does try to place the baby for adoption away from her sister, I will do anything to help fight it.  I WILL fight for the girls to stay together in this foster home.  I WILL stand up for those girls.

Thank you for reading and thank you for supporting me and my family.

Life Goes On

It has been a month since we got that phone call.  That horrible phone call.  While life has gone back to normal, for the most part, it's still different.  I am feeling much more myself, but there is a little part of my heart that will always belong to the little girl that didn't come home with us.

It's interesting.  Now that I have a pretty good head on my shoulders, I can look back at how I felt a few weeks ago and reflect on it.  I have to say that I am actually proud of the way I handled myself.  My first instinct when we got the news was to jump right back into work and my social life.  That would make me feel better, I thought.  But something in me couldn't do that.  I didn't need to feel better at that point.  What I needed to do was be heartbroken.  Angry.  Frustrated. Sad.  This was not a little thing that happened to me.  This was life-changing loss and grief.  I truly felt like I was drowning and I didn't know when or if I would come up for air.  I am proud that I reached out for help.  I talked to a therapist (and am still seeing her), and that has changed my life for the better already. 

I have been very lucky in my life.  I have not had to deal with trauma and loss really.  I have been through the loss of relatives, which, of course, is terribly sad.  I have been through the pain that comes with finding out I would never become pregnant.  But, overall, my life has been pretty happy.  This was the first time I experienced such significant heartbreak and sadness.  This was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  And I made it through.

Do I still think about that baby girl?  All the time. Do I become unbearably sad when I see someone holding a baby carrier?  Comforting a tiny baby?  Yes. 

Now what?  We aren't sure.  We lost an incredibly significant amount of money with this failed adoption.  We definitely won't be able to adopt with the same agency again as we can not afford it.  We are on the list at Catholic Charities still.  To be honest, though, I'm not ready.  I made it through that heartbreak once, but I don't know if I could do it again.  Maybe that was the world telling us Alice is supposed to be an only child?  I don't know.  What I do know is that now is the time we need to take care of each other.  Alice still asks about "Baby Wendy" sometimes.  And I've tried to explain it to her the best I can, but her three-year old brain doesn't grasp it.  She's not sad, necessarily, just confused.  So, right now, family time is the most important thing.  We have taken trips to Disney, a trip to the beach, spent time together watching movies, and just being together.  My family is my world and if it's just supposed to be the three of us, that's okay.

We have time.  We have a good life.  We have a great family.

Grief

I have been walking around like a zombie.  I have been wondering how it is possible to feel so much sadness and loss for a child that was never mine.  I have been thinking that I am overreacting.  Why do I need to miss work?  Why do I need to hide?  Will people think I am being ridiculous?  Dramatic? After all, I said I wasn't going to get excited.  I said I wasn't going to get attached.  I tried.  I prepared for this situation, even though it would never happen. It didn't matter.

Naturally, I am a happy extrovert.  I like to share news (good and bad) about myself with the people who care about me.  I am the first one to overshare and I am so open with my life.   I like to see people happy and excited.  I loved that my daughter was so ready for a little sister.  I loved that we were planning baby's first trip to Disney.

Do I regret any of that now?  A little.  Mostly, I wish I would have let myself feel the joy for a few weeks instead of so much worry.  I tried to guard myself by not feeling the excitement, but it didn't work anyway.  Now I feel so much pain.

What I keep reading is that this is like any grieving process - but not.  This is the grief of losing someone that still exists in the world. 

I keep thinking of what I SHOULD be doing right now.  I should be exhausted from being up all night with a newborn.  There should be piles of laundry and tons of dirty diapers.  Alice should be learning how to be a big sister.  Those things are happening - just not here.  With someone else.  I wonder what her name is.  I wonder what she will grow up to be like.  I will always wonder these things, and a part of me will always mourn this loss.


I have spent the few days reaching out to an adoption support group, to our local social worker, and to the internet.  I have googled the phrase "failed adoption" more times than I can count.
I have heard story after story from fellow adoptive moms that are just as heartbreaking and more heartbreaking than my own.  They have brought me some comfort.  That is why I am writing everything in this blog.  I am hoping that someday, maybe my words can bring a grieving adoptive mother or father a little comfort.  Maybe she will realize that she is not alone and that her feelings are VALID.


What I am trying to make myself believe now is this:  it's okay to feel the way I feel.  It IS the loss of a child.  It IS the loss of an idea of what our family was going to be.  I am NOT being dramatic.  I can feel and act however I want.  It IS okay for me to hide.  I hide behind words: text messages, facebook messages, e-mail.  That's how I am coping.  And I appreciate all the texts and messages that I have gotten - I truly do.  Don't stop.  Mike and I have an amazing support system. 

As I said, "everything happens for a reason", and maybe this reason is so someone else will read this one day and feel an ounce of comfort during this horrific time.

Heartbroken

I was gearing up to write a post about how nervous and excited and happy and scared I was.  Instead, I get to write this:

I see people post about failed adoptions all the time.  My heart has broken for those families over and over.  But now we are that family.  Failed. Adoption.  My heart is broken now, but for us.

Things had been going great over the past few weeks.  We had a few lunches and doctor appointments with the birthmom.  We joked around all the time.  She liked us.  We had a plan.  She wanted us in the delivery room.  I bought all the things to make her hospital stay more comfortable.  I loaded my ipad with her favorite shows.  The baby's room was ready.  We had new clothes, bottles, blankets.  We were ready.  Alice was SO excited to meet "her baby". 

But today, we got the call we never wanted.  Birthmom had changed her mind. Without going into specifics, there was only a TINY chance that she would change her mind.  But she did.  She had the baby a few days ago.  The baby is with a foster family right now (with her biological half-sister).  Birthmom is hoping she will be able to parent both children eventually.  Is there a chance things can change still?  Maybe.  That might be the hardest part.  I can't let go yet.

This is why I tried to stay neutral and tried to not get excited.  I tried not to attach myself to this baby.  Turns out, I was more attached than I thought.

I have cried.  I have stared into a room that should have a baby in it.  I've bagged up everything to return to stores tomorrow.  I've stopped planning for maternity leave.

I have all this sadness and all this anger.  But I have no one to blame it on.  I can't fault the mother for wanting to try to parent her child, even if I don't think it's the best choice. 

So for now, I let myself be sad.  I let myself be angry.  I let myself feel.

I have always said that everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that, even now.  I just want to know the reason.

Different

This week has been CRAZY!  On Tuesday, Alyce messaged to ask if we had a gender preference to which I said no.  And then she quickly said she had a situation that might be good for us.  I didn't get too excited and figured we would hear in a few days.  Well, on Wednesday, she told us it was between us and another family and she would know by the end of the day.  Again, I didn't get too excited.  After our faculty meeting, I went back in my classroom and looked at my phone and there it was. "YAY! SHE PICKED YOU!".  I couldn't believe it.  She. Picked. Us.  I was over the moon.

Then more information kept coming.  We were going to meet with the birthmom and attend her doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  We need to send in paperwork and a check.  We should get the birthmom a gift.  ALL OF THE THINGS!  It was all exciting and all things we were more than happy to do or plan to do.

But through all of this, I can't get over how different this is from Alice's situation.  Alice was so quick that there was never a thought of "will she change her mind?"  Are we going to get attached to the idea of a new baby and it get taken away from us?  Could I be mad if she changed her mind? Of course not.  How do you fault a mother for wanting to keep her child.  On top of the emotional worry, there is the practical worry.  Are we going to lose a ton of money?  If we do, would we even be able to afford to try again?  It is a lot of risk this time.

So what do I do?  I worry.  I talk to my friends until they are tired of hearing me, probably.  I keep myself busy.  I throw myself into decorating Alice's new room.

Don't get me wrong.  I am thrilled.  I can't wait.  I am SO HAPPY.  But, at this point, I have to guard my heart.

If all goes well, we will have a beautiful baby girl around March 4.

I truly hope so.